The Haven

How we learned about PTSD

2012-01-19T19:59:00.002-05:00

When will society recognize PTSD among survivors of domestic violence?

Let’s look at how the world learned about PTSD and related disorders.

Post-traumatic stress disorder is one of a group of similar conditions, known variously through history as shell shock, soldier’s heart, combat stress reaction, and so forth. Trauma became much easier to spot and discuss in the 19th century, when technology made warfare much more dangerous and traumatic to soldiers. The American Civil War introduced the combat model of large numbers of soldiers armed with rifles, firing out in the open. As a result, there were staggering combat casualties. Once the troops began to see the incredible body counts in the battles, psychological trauma skyrocketed – in fact it was the second-most common diagnosis by battlefield doctors. Psychiatry was still barely in its infancy back then, and the doctors didn’t even have the vocabulary to describe psychological trauma, to say nothing of actually treating it.

Although the science wasn’t moving very forward quickly on the psychiatric front, it was positively galloping forward in the field of military technology. World War One introduced trench warfare, gas warfare, tanks, machine guns, aerial bombing and other horrors. Psychological trauma among soldiers increased again: as an incredible 56 percent of soldiers were physically wounded in the war, the numbers of psychologically damaged soldiers also shot up. In WWI, literally millions of soldiers went home from the war showing a whole gallimaufry of trauma symptoms. The problem became harder to ignore, but people still didn’t really know what trauma was, and diagnosis was still primitive. During WWI the British believed that the damage was actually caused by the shaking effect of artillery shelling, and only soldiers who showed trauma symptoms during an artillery attack got military pensions.

A key player is this drama was actually George Patton, one of America’s generals in World War Two. At one point in 1943, one of his officers told him that his 1st Infantry Division reportedly had a lot of lazy soldiers faking illness in order to avoid combat. Patton visited a hospital shortly thereafter; most of the soldiers of course jumped to attention when Patton arrived, but one guy, Charles Kuhl, was sitting on a stool, essentially in a catatonic daze. Patton asked him whether he was wounded, and he replied "I guess I can't take it.” Patton slapped Kuhl in the face with his gloves, dragged him by the collar to the tent entrance, and kicked his butt, calling him a son of a bitch and a gutless bastard. Patton visited other patients, and then left the tent to yell at Kuhl again. A week later, Patton did the exact same thing, slapping another soldier at a hospital.

Once word of these incidents got out, some Americans were outraged, but many supported Patton. Kuhl’s parents didn’t want Patton to get into trouble, and even Kuhl said Patton was a great general. Kuhl also said something odd -- "I think at the time it happened, he [Patton] was pretty well worn out himself.” Eisenhower, Patton’s army boss, insisted that Patton apologize to Kuhl but rejected demands that Patton be fired. It was discovered that Kuhl also had malaria; when Patton apologized, he said he hadn’t known how sick Kuhl was. Then Patton apologized to the other soldiers who had been there at the first incident also.

But in the meantime, more and more people began talking about the impact of combat on men like Kuhl during and after WWII. Like WWI, WWII sent millions of men home with terrible symptoms of trauma: during the war itself one-tenth of active-duty troops were hospitalized for psychological trauma, and men who served on the front lines for 35 or more straight days had an incredible 98 percent chance of psychological problems. Society at large, and the psychological community, were taking more notice.

In the 1970s two things gave forward impetus to the cause to learn more about trauma. First, psychiatry, long mired in a morass of shock therapy, over-medication and over-reliance on the myths of Freud, began to grow up, as a scientific discipline. And second, a generation of vets came back from Vietnam loaded with trauma symptoms. The linkages between PTSD, combat service, and homelessness became easier to see.

Over the next 40 years, psychiatry got better at diagnosing and treating trauma, although there are still plenty of growing pains. The DSM manual is still changing its definitions of disorders, doctors still give up on patients and resort to heavy medication, and there are still many doctors who are sadly under-trained in what PTSD actually is. A particular problem is that doctors, instead of making the effort to offer therapy sessions which allow PTSD patients to safely confront their traumatic past and manage their trauma better, will take the lazy way out and just mask the problem by stupefying their patients with antidepressants. “Here’s your prescription – who’s next?”

The vast stream of very weary soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan is forcing the Veterans Administration to take a good look at how they help trauma victims today.

So what is the next battle? The psychiatric community has recognized and studied PTSD, and the military community has recognized the epidemic of PTSD within its ranks. So when is the world community going to recognize that, in America for example, there are a million abusers abusing a million women? Ten thousand injured every day, a thousand killed every year, an epidemic of destructive emotional abuse? Thousands and thousands of PTSD women who either haven’t been diagnosed at all, or have been improperly treated by doctors who don’t fully understand the syndrome? And numbers just as bad, or worse, all across the world? Why do these women need to go to people like the Veterans Administration to get working aids and research on PTSD, all larded with tough macho advice aimed at soldiers? The world has recognized soldiers with trauma – it’s time they recognized the survivors of domestic violence too.

PTSD resources

2012-01-03T19:55:00.002-05:00

Since PTSD has popped up as a serious topic for many members of our sister site, I’ve been digging up more tools you can use – stuff you can read up on.

First, here is some help from the Veteran’s Administration, which has taken the lead in the government’s effort against PTSD.

The Center’s home -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/index.asp
What is PTSD? -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/what-is-ptsd.asp -- and -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/understanding_ptsd/booklet.pdf
A PTSD 101 course -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/ptsd101/ptsd-101.asp
PTSD and women -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/fslist-specific-women.asp
How is PTSD treated? -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/treatment-ptsd.asp
How do I get help? -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/faq-about-ptsd.asp -- and http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/where-to-get-help.asp
How do I cope with PTSD? -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/fslist-self-help-cope.asp
Does someone you know have PTSD? -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/helping-family-member.asp -- and -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/fslist-family-relationships.asp

Next, from the National Institutes of Health (NIH):

A good tutorial on PTSD -- http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/tutorials/ptsd/htm/_no_50_no_0.htm or http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/tutorials/ptsd/htm/index.htm
If you’re having serious trouble coping…. -- http://www.samhsa.gov/MentalHealth/NSPL_Disaster_Tips_Wallet_Card.pdf
PTSD and your employer -- http://www.americasheroesatwork.gov/forEmployers/factsheets/FAQPTSD/
PTSD, kids and teens -- http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/ptsd-children-adolescents.asp and also -- http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/ptsd.html
PTSD and new moms -- http://www.postpartum.net/Get-the-Facts/Postpartum-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder.aspx

Overall list of NIH resources -- http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/posttraumaticstressdisorder.html

Next, the National Institute of Mental Health -- http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml -- which has a few interesting articles, such as --

How do kids react differently to stress? -- http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/do-children-react-differently-than-adults.shtml
Resilience factors explaining why some people cope better with PTSD -- http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/why-do-some-people-get-ptsd-and-other-people-do-not.shtml

Next, the American Psychological Association -- http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recovering-disasters.aspx

Next, the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress at http://www.aaets.org/ has a long list of things you can read at http://www.aaets.org/articles.htm such as --

Victims of spousal abuse -- http://www.aaets.org/article177.htm
Stress and the holidays -- http://www.aaets.org/article226.htm
*Workplace bullies -- http://www.aaets.org/article225.htm
Unemployment and stress -- http://www.aaets.org/article224.htm
Children and anxiety -- http://www.aaets.org/article220.htm
*Self-injury -- http://www.aaets.org/article206.htm
PTSD, kids and teens -- http://www.aaets.org/article202.htm and http://www.aaets.org/article190.htm and http://www.aaets.org/article162.htm
Divorce, kids and stress -- http://www.aaets.org/article18.htm
PTSD, alcohol and drugs -- http://www.aaets.org/article187.htm
Partners with PTSD -- http://www.aaets.org/article181.htm
*When the law fails victims of abuse -- http://www.aaets.org/article86.htm
PTSD and domestic violence -- http://www.aaets.org/article58.htm and http://www.aaets.org/article112.htm and http://www.aaets.org/article145.htm
Feeling helpless -- http://www.aaets.org/article35.htm
A general overview of domestic violence -- http://www.aaets.org/article144.htm

And a neat site, Support4Hope -- http://support4hope.com/ptsd/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_coping.htm -- has a bunch of good stuff. One is a link on the left side called “domestic abuse” which I had trouble opening, but perhaps someone else can give it a try. Links include:

A short article on the good and bad coping mechanisms for PTSD -- http://support4hope.com/ptsd/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_coping.htm -- and another -- http://support4hope.com/ptsd/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_lifestyle.htm#1
Other mental problems that often go along with PTSD -- http://support4hope.com/ptsd/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_others.htm#1

Protect your Social number -- and your kids!

2011-12-19T20:28:00.001-05:00

One way an abuser can try to hunt you down and harass you, is via your SSN, your Social Security number: with that number, he can create all sorts of mischief. If you have a really obsessive stalker type, then you can get a name change and then a new SSN. The Social Security people (www.ssa.gov) are working with domestic-violence people to get survivors new numbers. You need to apply in person to the SS office with proof of your identity, age, citizenship/alien status, name changes (do that ahead of time), evidence of child custody (if they’re getting new numbers too), and evidence of the abuse (papers from police, doctors, protective orders, or even a letter from the local shelter where you did in-take). It sounds as though this is a bit discretionary with the local SS office, so call ahead and find out what they want.

But, something that never occurred to me, is the notion that an abuser could target your kids’ SSNs too. With that in mind, read this scary story:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/15/students-identity-theft_n_1140119.html

“In El Paso, Texas, a hacker broke into the computer network of a local school district, finding a database of about 63,000 students' Social Security numbers. In Wake County, N.C., school officials accidentally mailed out about 5,000 postcards with students' Social Security numbers printed on the front. And in Palatine, Ill., two laptops belonging to a state contractor were stolen from a car, divulging the Social Security numbers of nearly 8,000 special education students.”

Alleged British abuse expert claims emotional abuse isn't "real" abuse

2011-12-19T20:27:00.002-05:00

Here’s a story about a British domestic violence activist who takes an extremely hard-core attitude toward emotional abuse. Research has proven time and again that emotional abuse does more permanent damage than physical abuse, but this activist not only disagrees with this proven research, she insists that anyone who points out this fact is insulting every woman who has been beaten up. British officials want to make it a crime to bully a spouse emotionally, and this woman is actually trying to block the law! She claims “It serves to trivialise genuine cases of domestic abuse….To me, the definition of domestic violence is quite clear: if you are not in fear of your life, you are not suffering it.” She doesn’t believe that this behavior is a “real” crime, and she doesn’t want to lump victims of emotional abuse in with “women who really suffer.” She suggests that victims of emotional abuse have easy avenues to getting out of their relationships, and she insists that the authorities shouldn’t “meddle”. She even claims that all police forces take domestic violence seriously! Then she rants about the alleged excesses of feminism and claims that Prime Minister David Cameron is pushing the law because he is sucking up to female voters. I personally find her attitude incredibly insensitive, and pretty surprising since she claims to be a 40-year veteran of the domestic violence effort – what is less surprising is that the other DV advocates chucked her out of her job.

Here’s the article. -- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2074284/Domestic-violence-To-say-emotional-abuse-bad-insults-battered-wife.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

PTSD: does this story sound like you?

2011-12-19T20:26:00.002-05:00

I look at the cause of domestic violence as a war. We have an enemy; every day the enemy wounds ten thousand, and every year he kills more than a thousand. By contrast, eight years of war in Iraq cost less -- 4400 U.S. combat deaths and 31,000 wounded, total. And even the survivors of the domestic violence war suffer terribly, especially from PTSD, just like soldiers. So today I read an article about an Iraq veteran dealing with PTSD after returning home, and I thought a lot of it sounded familiar.

The soldier in question was ambushed in Iraq, and shot in the head and leg (and DV victims absolutely get ambushed and shot too). He came home with serious PTSD. He had nightmares, reliving the trauma, trying to figure out what he should have done differently. He was terrified of being alone, and felt guilt as well. He began to have trouble communicating and remembering. He had trouble controlling his anger. He suspected he had PTSD but tried to deny it.

He eventually learned that PTSD can stem not only from battlefield trauma but any prolonged emotional shock. So it doesn’t only affect vets: it also affects millions of others following abuse, assault, disasters and accidents, and prolonged feelings that their lives are in danger (and I know THAT sounds familiar). And it affects twice as many women as men (and I think we all know what some of the reasons are).

Even after the trauma is over, it can take two or three years to adjust to the new, safer life. PTSD can impair reasoning, emotional balance, memory, and cause nightmares, insomnia, violence and headaches. It can include intolerance of mistakes, and ignoring their own pain and emotion. They feel no one understands and no one listens. Marriages break up, domestic abuse increases, sufferers drink and do drugs, they can’t hold a job so they end up homeless, hopeless, suicidal; they are unable to find help from the system, which is now overburdened financially. Sometimes they are overmedicated which makes them dopey, or undermedicated which means the symptoms come back.

The healing begins when the effective therapies are used: talking through the trauma, writing about it, visiting the places where it happened, going to loud and stressful places to desensitize the patient, making it possible for the patient to relive the trauma in a more detached way, so that he can “pack it away” in a sort of mental closet. Also, relaxing so you can reduce the adrenalin and get some sleep, and using medicines. The article stresses that treatment takes time and that the syndrome never goes away: you can’t really “cure” it but you can manage it. And it’s good, all the way around, to help others in the same fix.

So...does this sound like you?

Here’s the link -- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/19/im-not-who-i-am-in-my-min_n_1157447.html

Another organization to watch: the "Fatherhood" Coalition

2011-12-11T17:07:00.000-05:00

http://www.fatherhoodcoalition.org/

The Fatherhood Coalition is another hard-core group of abuse-deniers. The group claims that the top social problem in America is fatherlessness, that fathers must always get joint custody, that women who even claim abuse should lose custody of their children, that women are out there constantly hitting men and that that is what causes men to hit women, that VAWA is bad, and that child support should be stopped.

To give you an idea of the caliber of their leaders and members, one of its leaders created a spectacle of himself in front of a courthouse this summer. This individual, Tom Ball, admitted that he had been busted for beating his daughter and jailed for not paying child support. He then failed in his efforts to sue the police, refused to attend court-ordered counseling, filed complaints against the prosecutor’s office, and sued Family Services (he acted as his own attorney). Next, he sent out a semi-literate 19-page rant, referring to Man as “king of his castle”, comparing his plight to that of a Jew in Germany, ranting about the oppression and cover-ups of the federal government, claiming that domestic violence arrests caused homelessness for 72 million Americans, insisting that domestic violence advocates bribe judges with wine and women, claiming that domestic violence laws cause pedophilia, and asserting that the time has come to burn down police stations and courthouses. He helpfully provided details for how such arson attacks were to be carried out. And then he went to the courthouse himself, poured gasoline on himself, and set himself on fire.

Thus, the “leader” of the fatherhood coalition. The hardy foe of fatherlessness left his three children…fatherless.

According to the (surviving) leaders of this fatherhood movement, this guy is a hero. It is people like renowned domestic-violence specialist Lundy Bancroft who are the real enemy.

Who is our enemy in the domestic-violence cause? SAVE this article.

2011-11-30T13:41:00.005-05:00

Everyone who cares about the fight to end domestic violence should know about a group called “SAVE”, Stop Abusive and Violent Environments. If you want to know who the enemy is, SAVE is at the forefront: they are launching national efforts on many fronts to undermine the anti-abuse cause. And they’re everywhere: they have pages on Facebook, Yahoo, Linkedin, and elsewhere, using clever code words like Gender-Neutral, Feminism, Saving Families.

It’s good for us to know this stuff, because the strategies and tactics of SAVE are the same stuff that abusers and their lawyers use in court: if you’re about to take your abuser to trial for assault or custody or whatever, the tactics and arguments below are the stuff you’re likely to hear from the opposing attorney, aimed at you.

The strategy of SAVE is four-fold: they undermine the DV victims themselves, they attack DV centers and shelters, they attack the laws and rules which put DV violators in jail, and they go after people who are fighting DV, like the authors of the VAWA act, the ABA, and even people like Verizon.

First, the SAVE people attack DV victims, claiming incorrectly that women make false accusations, that women hit men as often as men hit women, and that DV victims are mostly the poor, the gays and lesbians, people living out of wedlock, and people committing immigration fraud, as though that makes it okay (and then they contradict themselves by implying that women using DV services are actually too wealthy and should be means-tested before they get to use the services).

Then they attack the DV centers and shelters, claiming that they are run by people who aren’t qualified and who disseminate anti-male lies because they don’t know what they’re talking about, and that DV programs spend too much with too little progress and too little accountability. But then in the same breath they claim that America has already made plenty of progress fighting DV, implying that the services should be cut.

Then they go after the laws and the people who enforce them, claiming that abuse laws violate the rights of men, that the protective-order tool is abused, that mandatory-arrest rules increase the odds on homicide (rubbish), that college rape rules are unfair to men, that domestic abuse is a mental illness with many causes (i.e. “It’s not my fault!”), and that abusers should get counseling rather than incarceration (which seldom works).

And finally they go after the people who try to help solve the problem. It’s rather stunning, but SAVE is attacking the Violence Against Women Act. They claim that this “dangerous”, “harmful” act is unfair to men, encourages false accusations, makes victims out of women who are not “real victims”, wastes money on DV centers and shelters, encourages judges, prosecutors and policemen to be biased against men, increases demand for welfare services, fosters the overuse of arrests and protective orders, is overzealous in fighting marital rape, and damages families with separations (invoking the canard that it is still better for an abusive parent to have custody of a child). All of which is hogwash.

SAVE is also attacking the American Bar Association for publishing information about domestic violence. The ABA’s information was perfectly accurate, but the SAVE people insisted that the ABA was unfairly protecting women and persecuting abusers. SAVE claims the ABA lied about the frequency of female abusers, lied about women fabricating abuse claims, lied about how many abusive relationships happen outside of wedlock, and lied about abusers trying to increase their efforts to control their victim after separation. In attempting to refute the ABA, SAVE claimed that abuse is just a mental illness (i.e. rather than a crime), that victims don’t really suffer from PTSD, that wife-beaters aren’t also child-beaters, and that abuse doesn’t endanger or damage kids. The ABA pointed out (from experience, being lawyers), that in custody cases, abusers are much more likely to seek custody, make false accusations, and win their claims, and that child abuse claims are rare, but invariably true when they surface; SAVE attempted to refute all these facts.

SAVE is launching an attack on Verizon, which is distributing a video “Monsters” aimed at protecting kids from the effects of domestic violence ( http://www.multivu.com/mnr/52044-verizon-foundation-national-domestic-hotline-video-launch-monsters ). They’re furious because Verizon portrayed the abuser as a male, which is true in an overwhelming majority of cases. This attack on Verizon was carried in the Wall Street Journal, which didn’t bother to check and debunk SAVE’s inaccurate claims about the video.

They are also attacking Doctor Phil, claiming he lied when he told Congress that DV is the leading cause of women’s injuries – which is perfectly true – and that DV isn’t taken as seriously as it should be in America – which is proven by the very existence of SAVE and everything the group says and does.

SAVE is particularly ingenious in tricking legitimate outlets like MSNBC, the Wall Street Journal, the Huffington Post, the Daily Caller, Yahoo and Roll Call to publish their propaganda as straight news, without checking their “facts” first. They have also conned Doctor Laura into fighting their fights for them.

Perhaps the most fascinating part of all this, is that a key member of the SAVE group has been Natasha Spivack, who trafficks in mail-order brides – a business which the VAWA act restricts. Spivack arranged a marriage between a Ukrainian girl and an American man with a known history of abusing women. When the husband unsurprisingly abused his new bride, Spivack and her firm were convicted on a long list of charges and ordered to pay $433,000. So it’s not just divorce lawyers who have a motive for undermining VAWA.

Here’s their link -- http://www.saveservices.org/ .

How can the law protect victims better?

2011-11-30T13:40:00.002-05:00

In the wake of a horrific murder/suicide case in Maine in June 2011, studies were conducted to see what could be done to protect domestic violence survivors better. The recommendations mainly involved protecting victims by imposing tougher bail rules on abusers, and keeping abusers away from guns.

According to the studies, DV offenders should surrender all guns to the police and have their persons, homes and cars checked afterward; DV offenders who have used guns or threaten to kill should be tracked by GPS, and gun dealers should be told who is banned from owning guns. No bail should be granted for abusers who may attack the victim or flee the jurisdiction, for offenders who try to get more guns, for offenders who haven’t had a proper criminal history check. No bail release for an abuser who contacts the victim deliberately or with the intent to menace, or goes to her home or work. Assaults, threats, terror tactics, stalking or reckless actions merit $15,000 bail, according to the researchers; generally bail should be high enough to deter violations of protective orders, doubling with a second arrest, and with jail time on the third arrest. If an offender violates an order with a deadly threat, the bail should be set by a judge, not just a bail commissioner.

Other recommendations:

Trial: DV offenders should go to trial within a year.
Divorce: If DV victims who are divorcing are threatened with a weapon, the divorce should be finalized within 30 days; DV victims who are killed in the middle of a divorce proceeding should get posthumous divorces (there may be legal significance to that, but I don’t know what it is).
Police: The police should notify victims within three minutes of the release of their abuser; two policemen or more should respond to DV calls with high potential for violence – three if the abuser is already the subject of a protective order.
The home: DV victims who are being stalked need secure doors and windows, motion detectors and a landline phone (not sure how a landline is better than a cellphone).
The internet: Both DV abusers and victims should stay off social network sites, to prevent intimidation.

Marriage, the most dangerous profession

2011-11-20T10:00:00.003-05:00

Being a cop is dangerous, right? In 2010, 59 of them were shot to death in America.

And firefighters? In 2010, 72 died in the line of duty.

Fishermen, the most dangerous profession, 200 deaths per year.

48 coal miners died in 2010, most of them in a single accident in West Virginia.

Iraq war, about 600 fatalities per year. Afghanistan, about 200 a year.

…And for domestic violence deaths, more than a thousand a year.

It is more dangerous to be in your house with your husband or boyfriend, than to be a cop, a fireman, a fisherman, a miner, a soldier. Which is why the national attitude regarding domestic violence needs to change. Not only does it kill more than a thousand a year -- ten thousand women are beaten every day.

Use your phone to put your abuser in jail!

2011-11-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

Susan Murphy-Milano, a domestic violence expert, is working on a phone app that can put an abuser in jail.

It works in two parts. The first part is a thing called an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA), or Evidentiary Will, or simply Abuse Affidavit. This idea emerged after the disappearance of Stacy Peterson. The way it works is this: a woman who feels she’s in danger describes the incidents of abuse, threats, sites where weapons and other evidence might be, people who might help the abuser with alibis or other assistance, photos of injuries, the danger she faces, her fears. Apparently she does all this on video and then notarizes it on paper, with witnesses, so apparently it has legal force, it wouldn’t be dismissed as hearsay, and it will work even – especially – if she’s missing or dead. Murphy-Milano has used this with a thousand women, who are all still alive.

The second part: her EAA tool is being made into a phone app you can get in Apple stores! Use your phone to put your abuser in jail.

Murphy-Milano also discusses all this on a website -- http://www.susanmurphymilano.com/ -- and in a book called “Time’s Up” (she has other DV books as well). There is also talk of putting the safety tips in “Time’s Up” on a flash drive which a woman potentially could be given right along with her protective order in court; she can take the flash drive to a library computer and use it to figure out what the next steps in her safety plan are, how to do an EAA, how to use the protective order properly, and so on. The flash drive could be hung from a key chain, stashed somewhere safe, or whatever.

Okay, lady, so why did you allow this guy to attack you and steal your car??

2011-11-18T11:23:00.000-05:00

Here’s a neat article from a Connecticut writer:

“Why does she stay with him? Why does she let him treat her that way? Why does she put up with it? These are the questions all too often asked of women who are in abusive relationships. But the question we really should be asking is: Why does he treat her this way? No one would ever ask why she allows herself to be run over or have her car stolen. That’s because domestic violence is still too often treated differently than other crimes....A victim will not call for help if we continue to blame her, or question her motivations.”

The most dangerous place in America is...

2011-11-18T11:04:00.002-05:00

For decades now, Americans have worried about the mean, nasty, dangerous streets of our cities. Dangerous places to be. Dangerous people to flee from.

So let’s see about that, shall we?

In a typical year, America sees 15,000 murders, 90,000 rapes, 400,000 robberies, and 800,000 aggravated assaults.

And 3,500,000 domestic assaults.

In other words, a woman is much more likely to be attacked in the house, than out of the house. She may actually be safer outside than inside. That’s one reason why 200,000 homeless women and children in America aren’t really homeless – they just sleep in the streets because it’s less dangerous than being home with the abuser.

Or, to put it simply, the most dangerous place for a woman is home, and the most dangerous person is her husband or boyfriend.

Welcome!

2011-11-15T21:19:00.010-05:00

Two special thoughts for the day...

This article is simply my rumination on the women I’ve dealt with, DV survivors, and the people around them. This one is a little different – just me spouting off my own views, rather than researching safety issues or psychological issues or whatever. Some will like it, some will hate it. It’s all about what a woman is worth.

And second, what does the Joe Paterno scandal have to do with domestic violence? This article in the Baltimore Sun describes Maryland's efforts to tighten child-abuse rules after the child molesting scandal that brought down Penn State coach Joe Paterno, so that folks like cops and doctors can be punished if they don't report suspected child abuse. Wouldn’t it be great if spousal abuse was included too? Domestic abuse injures ten thousand women a day and kills more than a thousand every year, so it’s a genuine health epidemic, right? Food for thought. Anyway...

What people are worth

2011-11-15T21:18:00.009-05:00

I see a woman and a man in front of me.

This woman, what is she worth?

I see a woman who, for starters, has survived in a man’s world since birth.
I see a woman who should look back and see everything she’s accomplished, everything she’s survived and endured.
I see a woman doing the hardest job in the world, marriage – a job that goes kerblooey 50 percent of the time – and doing the job with the worst possible partner.
I see a woman dealing with the worst possible betrayal -- the man who promised to love her above all, becoming her worst enemy, doing all he can to make all her choices as hard as possible, or impossible.
I see a woman who has brushed off broken bones and burns and cuts and bruises that would reduce most men to blubbering idiots.
I see a woman who has come closer than almost anyone, to the very real threat of death, without collapsing; the only ones who face death the way she does are our troops, but this woman isn’t getting any medals for her heroism.
I see a woman who has been held hostage by a terrorist for years, without falling apart.
I see a woman who has had to live like a fugitive, without collapsing.
I see a woman who has escaped successfully, turning her whole life upside down, new home, new work, new school, new town, enduring enough stress to kill most normal people.
I see a woman who has survived the betrayal of friends and family.
I see a woman who has survived the indifference of the police and the skepticism of judges.
I see a woman who has come even farther than most of the other survivors, just by reaching out for help and taking action to save herself.
I see a woman who has accomplished so many extraordinary things, even though she was completely unprepared to go on that journey -- she didn't get to go to "I'm Married to a Psychopath" boot camp.
I see a woman with more capacity for patience and self-denial than an abbey full of monks.
I see a woman who is capable of loving, no matter how many times her love has been wasted, like water poured down a sink.
If I had to go on some dangerous spy mission in a hostile country, this is the woman I would take, because she can do anything, solve anything, endure anything.
If someone wrote this woman’s life story – Ian Fleming, perhaps – no one would buy it, because it’s too incredible. Angelina Jolie would have to play her in the movie, but she’d need months in the gym just to keep up with all the stunts.
I see a woman who was simply amazing before she was hijacked, who is just waiting to bust out and become someone even more amazing than we knew was possible before.
I see a woman who is extraordinary.

For thousands of years of human history, the leaders of humankind, the ones who led the way, the ones who set the pace, the ones who excelled above all the others....have been the survivors. The cream of the cream. The best of the best.

Now I see a man in front of me. And what is he worth?

I see a man who hit the lottery – he got to spend the rest of his life with this amazing woman, who offered him a lifetime of her love and faith and hope – and instead he threw it all away. He threw away everything she ever was, and everything she could go grow to be.
He not only tore her down, but even worse, he made her believe she deserved it, and turned her into a shell of her former self.
In a world where men strive every day to turn dust into gold, he went out of his way to do the opposite, to reduce something priceless into ashes.
I see a man who could have cherished her and built an amazing life with her, but instead told her this every day…

“You’re trying to tell me what to do?? My house, my rules. I wear the pants in this house. I’m the king and this is my castle. I’m your husband – you made a commitment to me. All this is mine. You’re lucky I’m here. You’d be lost without me. I know what’s best for you. I take care of you, and you owe me . It’s your job to take care of me and give me what I ask for. And what did I tell you to do? I told you what I want. I’m teaching you a lesson. This is for your own good. Where have you been? Who did you see? Where do you get these ideas? Who are these friends you’re hanging around with? All they do is badmouth me! I’m taking your keys. What do you need money for? What do you need a job for? Your job is right here! So who are you sleeping around with, then?”

…and this…

“The trouble with you is you’re nagging, whining. Self-pitying! The trouble with you is you’re over-sensitive, Overreacting. Blowing it up out of nothing. Obsessed with the past. A drama queen! There’s no getting along with you. You’re arguing again? Hurting my feelings. Pushing my buttons! You’re mean. You’re ungrateful. I know what you really mean by that. You say you’re sorry but you don’t mean it. You’re rude, you dress like a tramp. You don’t think. You’re ridiculous. Stupid. A slob. Worthless. Ugly. Lazy. Irresponsible. Shut up – you just don’t listen. The trouble with you …”

…and this…

“But baby, it’s not my fault. Baby, I was drunk. I was high. I lost control. I was abused when I was younger. I have problems. Of course I lied, you get mad when I tell the truth. Of course I lied, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I never did that, there’s something wrong with your memory! You’re imagining things. Sure I have other women, but that doesn’t mean I’m cheating on you. What’s the big deal? I was only joking. It’s not the time to talk about that. You’ve got to give me another chance. You have to forgive me. You made me do it! I did it because I love you. It’s what you deserve. You don't deserve to be forgiven. This isn’t my fault, this is your fault, it’s you who don’t treat me right, like all the other women in my life. You’re hysterical. You’re crazy. There’s something wrong with your head. You’re the only one who thinks there’s a problem – so what’s wrong with you?”

…and this…

“I can’t live without you. I decide when this relationship is over. I’ll hurt myself. I’ll hurt you. I’ll hurt the kids. I’ll cut off the alimony. I’ll cut off the child support. I’ll wreck your job. I’ll wreck your reputation. No one will believe you. No one will talk to you. Nobody will ever love you like I do.”

So I think we can agree on what this guy is worth.

And for all the family and alleged friends, who decided that everything that woman had to fight through and endure -- that it just wasn’t enough, people who passed judgment on her, people who decided that she didn’t run fast enough or jump high enough with all those bullets shooting at her, people who were willing to be her friend except when she needed it most, people who couldn’t be bothered with patience or tolerance or real love….Well, we know what those people are worth too.

Books, films, other resources

2011-11-15T20:15:00.013-05:00

To find the domestic violence support network in your home state, click HERE and click on your state network; they can tell you where to find local women’s centers and other resources. In a real emergency, go straight to 911.

Books

Time's Up, Susan Murphy-Milano, an absolutely superb guide for survivors who want to escape safely, in incredible detail; SMM has also written other books like Defending Our Lives
Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft – superb
Battered Woman, by Lenore Walker – old, but still valid today
When Love Goes Wrong, by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter
Domestic Violence the Disease: the Sara Faraday Story, by Annette Reid, a nurse
Black and Blue, by Anna Quindlen (this one is fiction but very good)
Safe Haven, by Nicholas Sparks (another good fiction read)
Picture Perfect, Jodi Picoult (more good fiction)
Should I Stay Or Should I Go?, Lundy Bancroft and Jac Patrissi

Film

You can take a look at the more obvious examples -- Burning Bed, Sleeping With the Enemy, What’s Love Got to Do With It, The Color Purple – but if you go beyond that, you can find abuse stories all over the place: Titanic, the Rainmaker, Boys on the Side, Affliction, Fried Green Tomatoes, Raging Bull, Winter’s Bone, Kindergarten Cop, Sling Blade, This Boy’s Life. And the further back you go, the more you find “quaint” ideas about marriage and abuse: Gone With The Wind, the Godfather, Philadelphia Story, Public Enemy, Born Yesterday, Carousel, Gaslight, Streetcar Named Desire, Taming of the Shrew….It’s everywhere. And of course our pal John Wayne, who reveled in “disciplining” Maureen O’Hara in the finales of two different movies, Quiet Man and McClintock. Sir! Sir! Here's a good stick, to beat the lovely lady!

Let’s also add a documentary called Sin By Silence, which tells us about Convicted Women Against Abuse (CWAA), a group of female prisoners in California who were jailed for killing their abusive spouses.

Some sites to check out:

The next battle

2011-11-15T20:14:00.008-05:00

Since the passage of the Violence Against Women Act in 1994, we haven’t made a dent in the rates of domestic violence. Women are still beaten 10,000 times a day, women don’t report it, states don’t prosecute it, and even upon conviction, serious jail time is unheard of. Each year a million men get away with beating their wives.

So we need to get the message to all men out there, the million men who beat their wives, and the millions of others who know about it, and don’t do anything about it. Fellas, you don’t get to beat your wives anymore, and you don’t get to just stand there and do nothing if you know someone else is doing it. It’s just like beer: you don’t get to drink and drive anymore, and you don’t get to let your friends do it either. Or beat their wives.

An aggravating factor is that DV groups are usually run by women who are often deeply suspicious of men, and when men offer to help, they are regularly shooed away. Which may be emotionally satisfying, but it’s strategically suicidal. A female family-court judge once said flat-out that the problem with DV groups is that a lot of them are run by hard-core feminists who would rather bash men than ask them for help. You ladies don’t get to hijack the domestic violence issue for yourselves: you need to let men help, and recruit them, for that matter.

I repeat: This battle cannot be won UNTIL men are involved: until we do the same thing we did with drunk driving, with men telling other men -- you don't get to hit your wife, and you don't get to just stand there while someone you know hits HIS wife. If you make this a battle between the 99 percent of people who are morally good and can be made to understand how serious DV is, and the 1 percent who will just never get it, then the good guys win. But if you make it about men versus women, women will never win the war. They won't even be able to treat the wounded.

There is no such thing as an innocent bystander here. Domestic violence is a crime that is happening all around you, and if you know about this crime, and do nothing to stop or report this crime, then you are culpable along with the batterers. This is everybody’s business: turning a blind eye makes you guilty along with the abuser. If you're aware of it, it's your job to help stop it, and offer help. The goal is a country in which all women -- everyone, in fact -- are treated with respect.

Never condone. Never excuse. Never remain silent.

News and views

2011-11-15T20:14:00.006-05:00

This link connects to a great article about Patricia Prickett, a woman who tried to teach L.A. cops how to handle domestic violence cases better. She worked with cops to write better reports, reports that were courtroom-ready, because victims seldom testify, and many are intimidated into recanting, so the reports are needed to put abusers away; prosecutors reject two thirds of cases as unproveable, so the reports help. She found that a lot of cops were resistant to even accepting the problem: they argue that only the poor beat their wives, and that putting cops on domestic violence means they’re not out there fighting what they think of as “real crime” – as those DV isn’t a crime. Without a push from their captains, cops don’t push hard on DV cases.

The article, incidentally, points out that police can indeed be sued for lousy responses to DV cases: as far back as Bruno v. Codd (1978), 12 women were awarded damages because the police dropped the ball, and one woman got $2.3 million in Thurman v. City of Torrington (1987) due to police incompetence.

The article pointed out other challenges to the DV fight. The effort against DV is very new, only a few decades old; even university course work was barbarically simple or nonexistent only a few decades ago. Some judges don’t even know the DV laws, and get sucked into the manipulations of the cool, charming abuser, vis-à-vis the emotional victim. Men’s rights groups are spreading massive amounts of anti-wife propaganda.

Prickett believes that abuser only change if they get years of therapy and if jail or the threat of it is involved; studies support the idea that jail time is what makes them stop.

Prickett stressed something is critical for all to accept: “domestic violence is everybody's problem." It’s everybody’s job to fight this.

Abuse and the law

2011-11-15T20:13:00.007-05:00

DO I NEED A LAWYER?

Ask your local DV center if it’s time to lawyer up. If you or your abuser are facing criminal charges, or you’re heading toward divorce and custody battles, then it’s time to talk legal help. Never take legal advice from anyone but a lawyer who has been admitted to your local bar: every state’s domestic-violence laws are different. Studies show that the real change for a lot of survivors comes when they obtain legal help: once you take that step, your odds on a happy ending increase dramatically. Try to get free legal aid through your DV center, a DV hotline, the National Organization for Women, the ACLU, or the local bar association. You want a lawyer with experience, someone who is up-front about overall fees, billing schedule, and research and copying fees, and someone who is not an advocate of mediation.

Having said that – read this whole article anyway, so that you can think of the questions you want to ask the lawyer. Save a lot of time that way.

THE POLICE

Some policemen just don’t want to be bothered with domestic violence cases. One reason is ignorance: some cops have asserted that only poor people beat their wives – as though that makes it okay – and that covering domestic violence means taking cops away from “real crime” – as though DV isn’t a “real crime”. They are reluctant to take on DV cases unless their superiors push it, which they often don’t. Also, DV cases are frankly dangerous for cops. Some cops have been known to write off DV cases as accidents or suicides; others take the lazy way out and arrest both the abuser and the victim. Sometimes police performance in these cases is so bad that the police are successfully sued in civil court.

Some cops are abusers themselves: the prevalence of abuse within police families is about four times as high as it is for the rest of us. And the system is ill-equipped to handle the problem: judges and prosecutors tend to believe policemen, and police departments tend to handle these things internally. The 1996 Lautenberg Amendment, intended to crack down on DV, may have made things worse in one respect: the law says that DV offenders can’t carry guns (with some exceptions), so prosecutors don’t want to charge cops with DV because it can end their careers.

So what do you do when you call the police? First, if you’re calling 911, get your money’s worth out of that call: describe everything the abuser is doing, as though you’re testifying in court – if you can. When the police show up, be calm and polite, but firm. You want to urge the officer to make an arrest, which he can do without a warrant in many jurisdictions, depending on the law and the circumstances (i.e. if there is evidence of battery, or if the officer believes the abuser will injure someone, hide evidence, flee the area etc). Regardless of whether he makes an arrest, urge him to file an incident report, collect evidence, and document all he can on the spot -- video and pictures of damage and injuries. If they refuse, call their watch commander: the more admissible evidence they have at the beginning, the less likely they will need you to testify. Get the officers’ names and numbers. Also, if you ask them to come back for a DV “standby” – protecting you while you move out your stuff – plan ahead to do the move quickly, because they won’t stay all day.

In an ideal world, we want policemen to look for evidence of abuse at the scene, talk to all parties separately including the kids, talk to the neighbors, make arrests, and stay on the scene until they're sure no crime has been committed.

And don’t hit – your actions count too, and more than 4000 women have been jailed for killing abusive partners.Your abuser can make you upset, but he can't make you act out.

A key reason for reluctance of policemen to follow through, is that victims often fail to follow through. As it is, prosecutors don’t even pursue two thirds of the DV cases they get because they lack the necessary proof, and the conviction rate gets even worse when victims don’t press charges (as is often the case), either through mixed emotions, shame, or outright fear -- fear of attacks, fear of losing the home and financial support (since he is likely to control the assets), fear of eviction, fear of losing the kids (which paradoxically can put the kids in more danger). And many of them don't know there's help out there for them. Women are reluctant to call the police at all -- most attacks go unreported and some women are attacked 10-30 times before calling the police -- and even after an arrest, victims will recant their story, deny there's any abuse, minimize the problem, try to stop the legal process, or even hide from the police. Prosecutors find themselves looking for other corroborating evidence, in case the victim bails out. What looks rather bad is when a victim succeeds in securing a protective order against her abuser, and then lets him back into her life anyway – even if she lets him back in due to coercion, courts sometimes don’t like it. There will also be situations in which you can be forced to testify against the abuser, depending on local law, particularly if you went through the process of filing charges yourself, which some jurisdictions give you the tools to do.

COURT

There are things that can work in a victim’s favor in court. Somewhere between 36 and 57 percent of divorcing women report domestic abuse, so it’s not as though the claims are uncommon. Show the prosecutor your court orders, injury records and pictures, names of advocates and lawyers, and witnesses. Be cool and calm when you’re in court, or dealing with anyone court-related, like a court-ordered therapist. Remember that mediation can be a bad idea: be wary of lawyers who advocate it, push back gently if court orders it, and seek supervised visitation if you reach that point. Consult a lawyer on all of this.

There are some judges who kinda don’t get it. Some judges believe that DV and child abuse charges are made up by vindictive wives in order to get a better divorce deal; some are irritated by displays of emotion; some think that pushing and shoving and emotional abuse don’t count; some get sucked into the lies and manipulations of a smooth-talking abuser; some believe that it’s all alcohol-related and use the rehab route rather than jail; some believe the nonsense from men’s groups that women abuse just as much as men, and an astounding number of judges even apply protective orders against the women who have been beaten. Some judges don’t even have a proper grounding in DV laws. Even the abusers who get convicted often get probation, therapy, or short sentences. So ask your lawyer about that too.

And, of course, juries. To wit: OJ Simpson. Remember, OJ didn’t just beat his wife, he killed her. They proved he beat his wife and threw her against the wall over and over; she said flat-out she was afraid he was going to kill her – there was a 911 tape. OJ left his blood and his glove and his footprints at the scene of the crime. The blood of the victims was at his house, in his car, on his socks. He wrote a suicide note, he said he didn’t mean to do it, and ran from the scene of the crime with a passport, and a disguise and a wad of cash. And…he still walked. It took years to put him away

PROTECTIVE ORDERS

Ask a lawyer about the local rules governing protective orders. The list of things you can ask the judge to order is pretty impressive – not that you’ll get it all, but ask anyway. He can order the abuser to….stay away from you, the kids, the family, the house, the school, the workplace; refrain from any contact with you including the phone, email, texting, the internet; move out of the house (that's a big one); give you child custody and child support; give you the car; complete a batterer program; surrender his guns; take the kids at specific times and places under strict supervision (you need to think about who would do the supervising); hand off the children at a police station or other safe place; etc. Some states make domestic abusers wear GPS units. Tell the judge that the abuser has threatened or harmed the children, and that you don’t feel safe having him near you or the kids. The judge can also direct the police to go to the house with you to get your stuff safely, although they won’t stay there with you forever. If you don’t get a protective order, or if it doesn’t go far enough, you can appeal in the last extremity, depending on the jurisdiction.

Give copies of the protective order to everyone, complete with pictures of the abuser and information about his car: give it to your boss, the neighbors, the landlord, the school, daycare, anywhere he might show up and cause trouble. And of course keep a copy for yourself – keep it with you always. These orders are sometimes not enforced, so find out who to call when the abuser breaks the rules and/or the police don’t follow through. You can always rat him out to his parole board, parole officer etc. If you have to travel to another State for work or to get away from the abuser, take your protection order with you; it is valid everywhere.

DANGER

When a survivor takes action, it can absolutely provoke a violent reaction from the abuser: the one thing he values is his control over his victim, and the potential permanent loss of that control can send him over the edge. Taking action against him, taking him to court, seeking a protective order, can cause an explosion and even a terror campaign. A huge proportion of violent attacks and fatalities by DV abusers happen when the survivor is trying to leave, or has just left. Quite often abusers refuse to respect protective orders: they see it as a challenge to their authority over their property. Even abusers who use emotional abuse but not physical violence, can become violent at this point. So remember: protective orders are not magical or bulletproof, and talk to a lawyer about the best way to time your departure, your filing for divorce, and everything else (some people even argue that if a protective order is more likely to provoke attacks than keep him away, it might not be worth the bother -- which says a lot about how far we still have to go).

When you go to court, take a friend with you. In the courtroom, sit far away from the abuser and his family and friends, and don’t look at them or talk to them. Tell a bailiff or sheriff that you are afraid of the abuser and ask him/her to look out for you. When you leave, make sure you have your protective order, and ask the judge or sheriff to keep the abuser there while you leave. If he follows you, call the police immediately.

Find out if your state uses the online protective order registry. If not, can the court, the prosecutor or the police notify you when he is arrested, served with the protective order or other papers, released? Ask a lawyer, the sheriff, or the local women’s center about all this.

Do all you can to keep your new address out of court records, police reports, public records, medical records, school and church records. Ensure that the abuser can’t access your data, even with your Social Security number or the kids’. Ask the court for help if need be.

EVIDENCE

Ask a lawyer about rules of evidence. Some courts are now loosening evidentiary rules to encourage victims to testify, allowing 911 calls and domestic-violence incident reports, sometimes instead of testimony; NY does this and conviction rates shot up. However, you also might ask about Crawford v. Washington, 541 U.S. 36 (2004), which strengthens a defendant’s right to face his accuser. This curtails the practice of evidence-based prosecution, wherein an abuser can be convicted without the victim taking part in the trial using a number of hearsay exceptions. But I think that only applies in criminal cases, not civil (again, ask a lawyer!).

You can make all of this easier on yourself, by thinking like a pack-rat: anything that might prove the abuse, save it!

--Keep a detailed journal of all the abuse, including witnesses, dates, places, emotional abuse and child abuse.
--Keep a log of harassing phone calls, incidents of stalking, threats, break-ins, attacks, any other psychological terrorism.
--Make a list of evidence and witnesses.
--Save police and medical reports.
--Save threatening or harassing emails, phone messages, letters, unsolicited flowers or gifts.
--Save physical evidence: broken objects, torn clothes.
--Photograph everything, particularly injuries – video works too! Get the police and the nurses to help here. Definitely “shoot” him if he shows up at the house. But be careful of taking photos of the actual acts of abuse. See what kind of photo capability your phone has.

Susan Murphy-Milano (http://www.susanmurphymilano.com/ ) has developed an “EAA” evidentiary affidavit. This is a bit like a living will: you use notarized documents and/or a video to record the facts of your abuse. You record your name, date, Social Security number, job; the name of the abuser, with his date of birth, Social, job, wedding date, names and ages of children, abuse history, substance abuse history, weapon ownership, threats, witnesses and addresses, evidence, police reports, medical reports, name of doctor and dentist, photos of injuries etc. Then you hand your driver’s license over to a notary and notarize it – but don’t put a return address on it! Supplement it with a video testimonial, pictures of injuries, pictures of you, the kids and the abuser. Depending on local law, such an affidavit may not be admissible without corroborating evidence, but it can also be used by the police to find more evidence, and (worst case) remains. Ask a lawyer.

DIVORCE AND CUSTODY ISSUES

Judges can be problematic in divorce and custody issues too. Some of them believe the myths, that child support bills are too high, that abuse shouldn’t matter in custody issues, that family court favors women too much, that women in divorce court spend all their time poisoning children against their fathers. And of course the discredited canard that it’s better for a father to be involved in a child’s life even if he’s abusive: there is a stack of reasons why that’s dead wrong, among which that kids who stay in abusive homes are more likely to become abusers themselves. Still, women find that their abusers are getting unsupervised visits and even custody, and that chasing down the actual child support payments can be a total shell game.

Custody: men get joint custody, or better, 84 percent of the time. First, be a good Mom, so as not to give him ammunition in court. Petition the court for temporary custody and have the father served just as you’re leaving home (ask a lawyer about all of this). Get the kids into therapy to document their problems. Do what the judge says, no matter what, on visitation; make the father the Bad Guy. Use friends or relatives to help with visitation hand-offs.

Also, ask a lawyer about the rules regarding parents who make a run for the border: parents who simply leave, with or without the kids. If the abuser takes the children out of state, your lawyer will probably urge you to get a custody order fast, so he can’t get custody on his own. Find out what happens if you yourself leave the state, with or without the kids – will that affect custody? If I leave the kids behind, is it abandonment, and if I take them, is it kidnapping? And think of all the other problems that go along with relocating – will the court frown upon my quitting my job and/or doing something desperate/stupid to get money?

Talk to your lawyer about money issues. One of the first things he/she may do is take action to protect your money and property before the abuser can create mischief. Prepare to dig out your financial records: the court may want to see your employment/salary information (and your husband’s too), deductions, expenses, debt, health care, assets (bank accounts, home, auto, insurance, stocks). Few wives, about 25 percent, get maintenance from their husbands, usually in cases in which the wife gave up a serious shot at a career; even then it can be hard to collect. Child support can also be hard to collect: you can get help collecting through OCSE or URESA.

Also, where does marital rape fit in?

WHAT HE MAY DO

There are a hundred things the abuser (and his lawyer) will do, to try to grind you down. The abuser can…

--- tie up all the money so his wife can’t hire a good lawyer
--get everything in his own name
--drag out the fight so as to trash her finances
--try to get sent to therapy between the arrest and the court date, which is worthless, a fake job on the part of the abuser
--claim that she threatened to call the cops if he didn’t provide more money – a very common claim
--claim that his defense injuries were really signs of her attacking him
--screw around with the protective order or any other rules imposed – “It’s just a coincidence that I showed up where she was; or I misunderstood the rules; I just called kids because I miss them”
--witness tampering, which is seldom prosecuted
--threaten that he will make no effort to change unless she drops the charges
--beg and plead (often the most effective tool)…

…and so forth. He wants the legal process to be as long and as expensive as possible for the victim, so that she gives up. A few things to make sure of: have a lawyer read any settlement, and try to get lump-sum payments to you, rather that schedule payments, or payments which the both of you must process.

Yet again – talk to a lawyer about all this! Two other questions to ask a lawyer:

What do I need to bring, to get a name change or a new Social Security number for me and the kids?
Can the Post Office block anyone from accessing my name and address?

We’re from the federal government, and we’re here to help you!

2011-11-15T20:13:00.005-05:00

And it’s not a joke. Here are three things you might not know about:

The Social Security people (www.ssa.gov) are working with domestic-violence people to get survivors new SS numbers. You need to apply in person to the SS office with proof of your identity, age, citizenship/alien status, name changes (do that ahead of time), evidence of child custody (if they’re getting new numbers too), and evidence of the abuse (papers from police, doctors, protective orders, or even a letter from the local shelter where you did in-take). It sounds as though this is a bit discretionary with the local SS office, so call ahead and find out what they want.

The Post Office: bring in your protective order and they will block anybody (even the police) from coming in to try to find your name or address.

The Violence Against Women Act protects the confidentiality of victims, among other things. Ironically a different federal act caused trouble by directing homeless shelters to thoroughly document the homeless, jot down Social Security numbers, the works. Abused women who show up at the shelters don’t always know they can refuse to put their data into the system, and still get a bed (30 states also have laws confirming that protection). This covers domestic-violence programs and shelters too.

On the down side, the recession is putting a lot of pressure on state and local governments, and since they don't want to cut out police, firemen and teachers, they are liable to cut funding for women's centers. So they need more volunteers and donations!

Helping the survivor

2011-11-15T20:11:00.011-05:00

One thing abusers do, is isolate their victims from any support – family, friends, professionals who could help them. So he has a big support system, and the victim doesn’t. The person with the bigger support team wins. So if a victim can’t get rid of his support system, at least she can build her own. Tackling problems like this is incredibly difficult, and it’s the women who reach out for help who survive and succeed. So…who can help you?

First, family. Some family members, especially in-laws, may side with the abuser, because these guys are very slick, persuasive con artists. But some of them must want to help you – time and again when I hear abuse stories, I wonder where the victim’s father is, because I would never allow a daughter of mine to be abused, not even once. Women who have big extended families should, in theory, have more places to go and more people to reach out to – and sometimes, more witnesses who can back her up.

So…who else can help? Who can you talk to safely, stay with, invite to stay with you for a couple of days, borrow money from? Who can help you plan and carry out your plan, perk you up when you’re weakening or feeling down? Co-workers? Does your workplace have a good HR unit?

Neighbors: Tell your neighbors (and friends too) about the abuse, and tell them that you and the abuser no longer live together (if that’s the case), and ask them to call the police if he shows up, or if they hear signs of a fight, or see a pre-arranged emergency signal (a code-word involving a non-existent person, a tilted lampshade, a half-opened curtain). Try not to use next-door neighbors or immediate relatives as places to run to – it’s too obvious.

If you have a protective order, there will some people you want to give copies to, in case he shows up somewhere to cause trouble: your boss, you kids’ teachers, etc.

Think like a spy, and only trust people with information that they really need to know. Only a few people need to know your new address and phone number. Keep in mind that some people whom you think of as your friends, may think of themselves as his friend -- they may betray your trust and your secrets because they think he’s right and you’re wrong, or they may tell him things they shouldn’t, just because they’re hoping to get you two back together, or because they just don’t think about what they’re blurting out.

The key place to go for help is the local/county/state domestic violence center, women’s center, crisis center, or whatever they call it (sometimes the battered women’s shelter and the rape center are in the same facility). The centers themselves will offer a wide range of services, and they can also hook you up with others who can provide more help. A lot of women in trouble can't find their way out, simply because they don't know these groups are out there ready to help. Assistance they might provide includes drafting a safety plan, finding a shelter or a lawyer, help with housing and welfare and other resources, services for the kids, counseling for abusers and couples, intervention groups, seminars on topics such as child care and budgeting, and so forth. Another good idea is counseling for victims singly or in groups, a great place to build a support network and hear the stories of other women who have been down the same road -- "hey, your story is a dead ringer for my story!". They can also steer you to the right doctor, the right therapist (a great idea), help with housing, transport to court, etc. If you’re thinking of moving to a new area, call ahead to the domestic-violence center at your destination and hook up with them – you may need their help later.

Safehouses are a huge help: a survivor can get away, get her head together, network with other survivors, and make good connections: survivors who can get out and stay out of their abusive environments for at least a week are more likely to succeed in staying away from the abuser – some women go back and forth from their old home to a second location a dozen times, until they finally persuade themselves that the abuse really isn’t going to stop, despite all his promises. Sending a woman to a shelter is better than simply sticking her in a motel room -- there's no support at the motel. Shelters are, however, resistant to taking in drug users or detoxers.

In addition to the shelter, you may also be reaching out to the police, a lawyer, a doctor or two. Do you know how to contact all these people? Keep that phone list in a secret email account that the abuser doesn’t know about. Also, joining a church may allow you to hook into their support system as well.

If you think someone you know is being abused, the two things you can do which will help the most, is to listen, and resist the urge to pass judgment on her actions or try to take over as “boss” of the operation. Every woman is different, every abusive home is different, and the survivor herself probably knows best how to safely get out of the jam she’s in. So you don’t judge her or blame her, and you don’t impose conditions – “Do it my way or I won’t help”. You can’t build up her strength by treating her like an errant child. Help her to see all the choices and places to go for help, and once she makes her choice, be there to help her achieve it. Wait until she's ready to act, and be ready to help her. And you have to validate what she is saying and feeling: if you try to push her back home to "work it all out" with a "you made your bed" attitude, then you may be of no further help to her because she will stop confiding in you.

Listening and validating will make her whole day, and the mere act of letting her talk things through will help her to organize her thoughts, remember incidents she forgot, recall the sound of her own voice, and recognize that although she may not want to see herself as a victim, she really is a victim, and this really is abuse. Ask the survivor about what is going on, what she feels, the relationship, the conflicts, the abuse, the fear, the control, the coping mechanisms she’s been using, without asking why or passing judgment. Tell her you’re concerned and that you’re supporting her; tell her that she's not crazy and she not imagining it all. Tell her that she can be strong, especially with allies, and that if she's strong enough to endure what she's faced already, she's strong enough to get out and survive -- she can take care of herself in the future, because she's already doing that now, without his help. Think about what she has said and try to ascertain the abuser’s capacity for hurting her or the kids. Help her to heal, to be strong, to mourn the death of her old life and build the new one. And keep her secrets.

One thing to help her with is the emotional roller-coaster. In a very short time she may ride a whirlwind of emotions not unlike the phases which terminal patients go through: fear, then, hate, loneliness, hope, joy. During that vulnerable "lonely" phase she will feel like a moon that no longer has a planet to orbit around -- help her to see how much better her life will be, without the "planet".

Things you might ask her:

--Whether she needs a doctor: any immediate danger, injuries, rape, pregnancy or recent birth (and potential risk of self-harm).
--Whether she’s safe: where he is, whether he’s armed, where the kids are and whether they’re at risk, whether there’s a protective order. Look for the signals denoting serious trouble: current or recent separation, reports of assault and rape (and go to the police).
--Whether she wants help: a place to go, a support network, agencies that can help, witnesses and evidence she can take to court.
--Whether she wants to give details of the history of the attacks on her.

A survivor will need the help of others, to be safe. Her support group posse can help by finding safe ways she can communicate with others (don’t leave unsafe messages and be careful of Caller ID), set up danger signals with the neighbors, get the word out to her boss/babysitter/school, field phone calls, help setting up the safety plan, pack and store her belongings, find temporary housing or just a couch to crash on, get her and the kids to a safe place, find quick cash, load up the kids with a good meal, find new people to help, hook up with a lawyer or a car to borrow, help crisis centers get them to a safehouse or a doctor or lawyer, help with the school and daycare, help her navigate the legal maze and welfare agencies, go to court with her.

Survivors are likely to need to learn new skills. Almost half of households which are headed by women and which include kids are in poverty. Survivors may need to sit down and learn Word and Excel, and find someone willing to hire and train them. They may need to learn, or remember, the art of going on an interview: get a nice suit, go conservative with the hair and makeup and jewelry, be on time with a pen and paper, turn off the phone, don't eat or drink, and thank the interviewer at the end. One thing survivors struggle with, is managing conflict: how to navigate disagreements without descending into the kind of destructive nonsense she experienced in the abusive relationship. Money management may be a problem, if a survivor was with an abuser who ran all the finances himself -- she may need to learn how to make a budget, stick to it, and prioritize what she needs over what she wants. Working with creditors is a skill too.

Housing can be a pain in the neck. You can search for homes in the newspaper, the Yellow Pages, penny-savers, at church, the library, the women's center. Look for something near transportation, schools, your work place, shopping. If you are rooming with someone, figure out the money, the kids and the chores early on. If you're going for Section Eight housing, there may be a wait as you qualify, and then find a landlord who accepts Section Eight cases, and then get an inspection.

Abusers will resist a woman’s effort to build a support network, driving away potential allies. Sometimes the survivor herself drives potential allies away for fear that the abuser will retaliate against them or her.

If you’re a survivor who has successfully moved on to a new life, help all the women who are climbing up the ladder behind you. Volunteer at the local women’s center and help out the next wave of survivors. A lot of state and local DV centers are taking budget hits due to the recession, and in a couple of places like Arizona, rightwing zealots are actually trying to shut down DV centers on the flawed reasoning that some centers might be advising women to get abortions. So they need all the help they can get – donate your time, money, clothes, toys, Christmas presents, stuff for their safehouses, whatever they say they need. Just ask them.

Two things about dating: it is a myth that abuse victims go out and seek new abusers, but it is true that the survivor herself can unconsciously attract abusive people toward her: they prey on the vulnerable. Also, starting a new dating relationship is likely to cause the old partner, the abuser, to go off like a bomb -- be aware.

Is someone you know in lethal danger?

2011-11-15T20:11:00.009-05:00

Here are signs of serious physical danger – make safety plans quickly:

--Woman’s intuition – the best indicator of coming violence.
--The abuser is a terrorist: the guy who makes it clear that he can hurt her anytime, and that he will if she doesn’t “shape up”, openly discussing death and murder fantasies; this guy was probably abused as a child, and wants her to be afraid, he will stalk forever and fight for custody; the victim needs a safety plan immediately
--An abuser with a drill-sergeant personality who controls her every move; there were previous efforts by the victim to end it, he’s jealous, possessive, obsessive, tracking and controlling her movements and routines (even her clothes), blocking her from independence (friends, family, money, car, phone)
--A combination of physical and sexual abuse– serious danger of lethal force; any violence is a warning sign, because “just a shove” can become “just a concussion” and one punch is rarely the last, once he crosses that line.
--Escalating anger and accusations from him: “you’re not listening, shut up, you’re making me mad, it’s all your fault”
--Intimidation: he forces sex, grabs, pushes, pokes, traps you, locks you in, throws or breaks things, tears clothes, threatens or frightens you, stomps, shouts and swears, gets in your face and wags a fist or finger, drives very fast; anger and insults. When he does these things, he is testing to see what you will put up with: if you don’t resist them, the violence is next. This is why I believe that emotional abuse is a gateway drug, leading ultimately to physical abuse.
--A man who claims his ex falsely accused him of abuse (the accusation is almost always true); a man who claims his ex beat him is almost always a batterer
--The guy who is going down in flames: the depressed abuser, suicidal, doesn’t care what happens to him, few friends, “I can’t live without you”
--Sociopathy: unpredictable temper, escalating and severe violence, violence against third parties, pet abuse, violence during pregnancy, weapons, criminal record, trouble with authority, fights, cheating the victim of her money, substance abuse, infidelity, porn; a history of child abuse does not make attacks more likely but the attacks will probably be more brutal
--Signs of fear and loathing from her: “I’m afraid to leave him, I’m tied down, I have to check in, I can’t even raise these issues, I cry, I’m depressed, I need to try harder to please him, I’m worthless”

Here are specific triggers for potential violence:
--When a partner tries to leave, or expresses that intent. Abuse is all about control, and any attempt by the victim to escape the control of the abuser is an extremely dangerous time, particularly if she’s tried to leave before. More than one study has indicated that a majority of DV fatalities happen after the victim has decided to leave at least once and when police pull up to a house and find a fatality, often it’s a house they’ve been to before.
--When the abuser is served with court papers, especially a protective order – another trigger for violence.
--If someone threatens to kill you, he means it. Don't underplay or dismiss the threat. Take it seriously and get help.

Here are the questions to ask, if there’s a concern about the use of lethal force. If the answer is “yes” to more than a couple of these questions – or any of the first three – then the danger of death increases.

--Has the abuser used a weapon or threatened you with a weapon?
--Has he threatened to kill you or the kids?
--Do you think he might try to kill you?
--Does he have a gun, or access to one?
--Has he threatened you?
--Has he tried to choke you?
--Has he attempted suicide?
--Is he jealous?
--Is he controlling?
--Does he monitor your actions?
--Have you tried to leave him before?
--Is he unemployed?
--Does your home include a child that is yours but not his?

…and I would add another one: have the cops come to the house before, because of domestic violence? Most DV fatalities do indeed occur in homes the police has visited before.

Is someone you know being abused?

2011-11-15T20:10:00.004-05:00

There are many signs to look for, in a possible DV victim.

The worst damage to a victim is often emotional damage, and unfortunately it’s hard to prove when it’s time to go to court. DV victims can present with a whole gallimaufry of psychological skeletons: eating and digestive disorders; depression, suicidal and self-harming impulses, anxiety, panic, confusion, hostility, PTSD, lethargy, sleep disorders, flashbacks, vigilance, drugs and alcohol, OCD, self-harming, confusion, reluctance to be touched, passive-aggressive behavior, a history of childhood abuse. One pattern is passivity: when she realizes there is no way to “break the code” and predict the triggers that will set him off, she gives up, becomes passive, loses the ability to solve problems or to express her feelings and needs; even worse, she can lose her sensitivity to the coming of lethal danger.

Over the long term her entire personality can change. She has mood swings, co-dependency, self-destructive feelings and behaviors. She feels afraid, fear of any conflict, walking on eggshells, angry, helpless, alone, numb, isolated from family and friends. She believes she’s worthless, she can’t do anything right, she blames herself; she feels she couldn’t survive alone and is even lucky to have him. She deserves abuse, she’s crazy, she thinks. She’s ashamed to talk to others – some criticize her for not leaving the abuser sooner, while others criticize her for disliking this obviously nice guy.

Of course physical damage is to be expected. Women with serious injuries – external and internal bleeding, broken bones, burns (i.e. when the abuser throws dinner at her) – will wait days before seeking treatment, and/or explain away the injuries. Look for repeated medical visits, injuries, sexual violence, defense injuries, chest pains, hyperventilation, and physical manifestations of stress like headaches, stomachaches and rashes.

The victim may try to hide her problems. She will conceal her bruises with makeup, glasses and long sleeves, be late or absent for work.

A good listener will hear signs of abuse also. A victim may be unsure of what abuse really is, especially emotional abuse. She will seek help for vague symptoms, hesitate to describe injuries, omit details, minimize injuries, take the blame for the fights, make excuses for the abuser, focus heavily on him and her relationship with him, mention his jealousy, express belief that he can do anything (including injure and kill). She checks in with him often and gets lots of calls from him. If the abuser himself is there, she tries hard to please him, agreeing with all he says; he may try to speak on her behalf, making her uncomfortable, sticking to her like glue, calling often. She may ignore or even abuse the children, who may seem frightened. She may express initial shock at being attacked, and have a clear memory of an particularly vicious attack. She may have an upbringing that is religious and/or evincing a traditional view of marriage.

If the listener has known her a while, she may seem to have "shrunk", since beginning the relationship, becoming less than she was.

There are a number of men’s groups like the National Coalition For Men who regularly try to peddle discredited myths about women, asserting that women attack men as often as the other way around, and that many claims of abuse are faked. This, alas, is inaccurate. A woman is the best judge of whether she’s battered – if anything, women minimize abuse rather than exaggerating it. The overwhelming majority of women who claim abuse are being abused. If she says it’s happening, it’s happening. And incidentally, men are much more able than women, to put their partners in daily fear for their safety, and exploit that fear to control their partner.

One researcher came up with four questions a doctor should ask, the “HITS” list: “In the past year, has your partner hurt you, insulted you, threatened you or screamed at you?” or, if you want to go further, “Has someone frightened you, slapped, punched, kicked, raped, harassed, humiliated you? Tried to control what you say and do? Throw things, break things etc?”

Or you could ease into the questions. How are things at home? What happens when disagreements arise? Is there anger, fear, control, jealousy, spying? Insults, punishments? Pushing, hitting, rape?

Meet Ethel, the Worst Wife in the World

2011-11-15T20:09:00.004-05:00

Look at this picture. This is Ethel. She has the Guinness record, for the worst wife in the world.

She drinks, she smokes, she tokes.
The house is a mess, the kids are a mess.
She spends money like a drunken sailor.
She sleeps around.
She even hits her husband.

It’s official, Ethel is the Worst Wife in the World. She’s Number One.

So let me say two things about Ethel.

1. Even Ethel, the Worst Wife in the World, doesn’t deserve to get hit. No woman deserves to get hit. Hitting someone – even a stranger, let alone the woman you say you love – is a crime. It is not a private matter between husband and wife, it is a crime. No woman deserves to get hit.

2. You, dear reader, are not Ethel. No matter how lowdown your husband tells you you are, no matter how lowdown you think you are, you’re not Ethel. There’s no way in the world he can beat you over and over, without persuading you that you deserve it. Persuading you that you’re Ethel. But you’re not.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2011-11-15T20:07:00.003-05:00

Someone was asking recently about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

First of all, here are the criteria that define the Disorder itself:

--The original trauma: there is or was danger to yourself or others, and feelings of fear, horror, helplessness, feeling trapped
--Flashbacks, reactions to stimuli similar to the traumatic events, i.e. freaking out when a man makes a fist
--Arousal symptoms, staying awake, anger, too much or too little concentration, vigilance
--Avoiding discussion about the event, associated thoughts/feelings, memory-triggering actions, trauma memory blackout, withdrawal from life activities, less ability to feel, fear of future constraint
--Symptoms that last more than a month
--Serious impairment on the job, social relations, and so forth; regression

In other words: the experience keeps rising up from your subconscious to "attack" you, you are "aroused" to react to it, you do all you can to avoid reliving it, and the syndrome lasts long-term and impairs your ability to function.

Experts have identified a number of obvious causes; one intriguing study suggested that although PTSD occurred often in the obvious group – military vets – the one group that scored even higher was adults who had been in foster care during their teens; the foster kids had a sky-high incidence rate and lousy recovery rates. So trouble at home can be as bad as the battlefield. Abuse, trauma, rape and combat are common causes.

We found two PTSD questionnaires you can take. Here is the first one, and here is the second.

There is a wide range of treatments for PTSD – therapy, medication etc – which you can discuss with a qualified professional. Your local DV center may be able to find you the doctor you need.

How survivors get stronger

2011-11-15T20:06:00.003-05:00

Anybody who asks “well why didn’t she just leave earlier?” really needs to think about how hard that is. In addition to the practical reality of getting out without getting hurt, there is the sheer difficulty of starting a new life, independent of anything the abuser does. First of all, it really is building a new life – new home, new job, new school, new city. Second of all, it means letting go of many aspects of the old life: the victim will lose continuity with her past and sometimes lose family and friends. And third, she must do it while recovering from years of emotional abuse, which often does more damage than the physical abuse. And fourth, the survivor probably derived a lot of her self-esteem from her husband, her choice to marry him, and her ability to get him down the aisle in the first place, so she will need to find new ways and reasons to believe in herself and in her future.

So the survivor needs to figure out the things she can do to make herself strong. Take care of your head. Find the things that make you stronger and more independent; read books that make you feel stronger, articles, exercise, yoga, tai chi. Be positive and assertive; get used to using the words “I can”. Think ahead of what to do when you begin to weaken, to consider returning home, or when you need to talk to the abuser, or when someone tries to control you.

Look inside yourself and find the old You, the person you were before all the insanity started. Think about the new person you want to be, now that the troubles are (we hope) out of your life. Think about what your life will look like without him in it. Envision success, and find all the reasons to believe in yourself.

Tell yourself, daily, in the mirror: “I’m not imagining this, I’m not crazy, I don’t deserve this, it’s not my fault, and I’m not alone.” There is no reason in the world to stay with a man who is incapable of treating you with respect. No matter how lowdown he thinks you are, no matter how lowdown you think you are, even if you think you’re the worst woman in the world – drinking, smoking, toking, sleeping around, the house is a mess, the kids are filthy, you even hit your husband – even the worst wife in the world doesn’t deserve to get hit, to be terrorized. And you’re probably not the worst woman in the world anyway, no matter what he tells you.

Making a plan for you to grow will always pay off, whether he is there or not. Once you have a “walk-away position”, a plan that will work with or without him, you have one more option than you had before. That way, even if you’re not leaving yet, you can stop waiting for him, stop waiting for it all to get better, and your happiness no longer depends on him or his behavior or his progress. And stop trying to prove yourself to him – the only person who gets to judge you is you.

So begin to plan what your life in the future will look like – whether or not he is in it. Make an actual plan, now. Think about it and write down the ideas, possibly on the computer (and hide them safely!).Clear your head of emotions first, by going out with a friend to vent your feelings. Remember what your dreams were before you met him, and ask yourself whether he has been helping you achieve them – what dreams have you given up? Think of what you want to have in your life, and what you don’t want: health, fun, connections to others, spirituality, creativity, celebration, financial security, possibly the kids – how much of it were you getting, with him? Or was he, in fact, preventing you from getting what you need? Think of what you want in a relationship. The plan would include all the changes he must make, for you to consider staying – he’s got to know that you’re prepared to leave, before he will ever be willing to change. Be clear (at least to yourself) that it is your plan, not your relationship with him, that is the goal. Once you have the plan, look at all your strengths, things you’re proud of. Remember the beautiful, funny woman who attracted the other guy in the first place. Look at your weaknesses too – go easy on yourself, don’t seek perfection in yourself.

Prepare yourself for an emotional tidal wave: the rage finally breaks out and consumes you, later on the sadness will hit you, the loss of the man and the relationship you thought you had, the fear of the changes and the future, the loneliness, mistrust, exhaustion.

But you will also feel relief! A bad relationship is draining, and faking a good relationship is also draining. Bad relationships cost money, add stress, foul up any long-term plans for your life, foul up your efforts to raise kids. And constantly being afraid and hiding your feelings is exhausting. Focusing on him, him, him all the time can wipe you out. But not anymore!

Prepare yourself for the fact that while you are adding new people to your support network, some people may reject you and drop out: they will judge you, believe his lies, try to be neutral, try to shift the blame from him to you, try to impose conditions for their love and friendship, or lose patience with your dramas and emotions – good riddance.

Now, let’s review all the unhelpful things people might tell you – or that you might be telling yourself.

“But everyone thinks I have a wonderful life”. Well, they’re wrong, and you can’t sacrifice your life just to prop up the illusions of other people.
“My friends will desert me if I leave”. Well, then they’re not your friends, are they? Real friends want you safe and happy.
“I can fix this”. Well, generally these guys don’t change. Simple fact.
“But won’t I just end up with another jackass just as bad?” Probably not. The myth that women go from one abuser to another just doesn’t hold up.
“But the kids need their father”. No, no, no, no. They’ve even asked kids this question, and the children of abusive men invariably say “no, we’d rather have a single mom than have The Asshole back in the house”. A toxic household is bad for kids, and leads to damaged adults later on. And more abusers.Recently they proved that kids in abusive homes actually develop damaged brains, actual physical changes in the brain, just like the brains of war veterans with shell shock. That's the gift you give your kids, by staying.
“When the abuse stops, he loves me, it’s like a drug.” Yes, exactly. A drug. Drugs bad, remember? Something that feels good for a short while, even while it’s killing you.
“But I’ll be alone”. A great many women express this fear before they leave, but once they leave, they love being free, alive, safe, living their own lives instead of merely being a terrified little satellite of Planet Stupid. And then they say “What the heck was I waiting for??”
“Nobody will ever love me like he does.” Well, I damn sure hope not! That kind of “love” you don’t need.
“It’s my fault”. No, no, no, no, no. The worst woman in the world still doesn’t deserve to get hit.
“But he’s starting to make a few improvements!” Few, tiny improvements, doing the bare minimum and expecting to be rewarded for it. Not good enough for you.
“But having a man is where I get my self-esteem from!” If the only thing that makes your life worthwhile is an illusion, a romance that looks great to others but looks like a Stephen King movie back at the house – then you’re settling for something that is beneath you.
“But he’ll fall apart without me!” …and that’s not your fault. He’s an adult. You can’t let him be the anchor that drags you to the bottom of the sea.
“But if I leave, then I’m the Bad Guy!” Nope. Saving yourself and being happy – there’s nothing to apologize for, there.
“But when I leave him, the pain is just too much!” And you’ll get over it. You’re stronger than you think, and you’re going to build a support network, and build a new life that is better than you can imagine right now. After the wave of emotions hits you, you will heal.
“I’m his wife, it’s my job to make him happy, take care of his feelings!” It’s time to take care of your own feelings – let him fix himself. You’re his wife, not his Mommy. You’ve given too much of your own life to fixing his.

Any more questions?

Don’t jump right back into the dating scene, just to prove you can still hack it. All those years in a screwed-up relationship have impaired your ability to communicate with others, and you’re emotional, exhausted, vulnerable, damaged, maybe even desperate. So first, heal, think, deal with the kids and the practicalities of life, cry some, and plan your future. Once you get out there again, look out for the charmers, the guys who pride themselves on being Real Men, the drinkers, the guys who don’t respect women, the guys who are selfish, who make lots of promises and excuses, the guys who are pigheaded, jealous, possessive, who have secrets, who put pressure on you. Contrariwise, look for someone who respects you, who listens, who has a tidy life of his own, who has long stable relationships with others. If you hit the jackpot with a guy, build a friendship, and remember to communicate in a fair, constructive way – something you probably haven’t had much practice with. Find ways to be happy.

Rural survivors of abuse

2011-11-15T20:05:00.002-05:00

Rural areas can pose particular problems for domestic violence survivors:

Geographical isolation; fewer roads, cars, buses, trains, communications, public transport, doctors
Less police/legal help
Harder to get a protective order
Lack of a support system; limited services, daycare, less health insurance
Fewer jobs
“Old-fashioned” values regarding women, marriage, money and guns
“Everybody knows everybody” including medical personnel and the police, and shelters (if any)
Bigger problems with alcohol, drugs, poverty
Sometimes a woman’s life and career consist of the farm she shares with the abuser, with no pension or Social Security

Abuse, children, and dating violence

2011-11-15T20:04:00.005-05:00

INFO ON KIDS
According to one estimate, 15 million kids live in a home in which one partner beat another in the last year, and in half these homes, the violence was serious (and in half the homes, the kids were abused too). The presence of children in the home can increase the violence, especially during pregnancy, when young children monopolize Mom’s attention, and again in the teen years when the issues of teen life occupy a lot of Mom’s attention. Children do their best to tune out the violence, but by the time they are teens, they get dragged into the fray and end up taking sides. And if Daddy is molesting his daughter as well as beating his wife, then the mother is dealing not only with violence but also with guilt. And DV victims often resist depriving the children of their fathers, which is really the wrong way to look at it – research has showed that kids correctly value safety and stability over the classic Ozzie-and-Harriet two parent system. And the kicker: kids who stay in abusive homes are more likely to become abusers themselves. On the plus side, there are times when a survivor decides that it's time to get out, specifically because of the children's safety.

A recent study proved that when children are exposed to domestic violence, it can damage them so severely that it makes permanent changes to their brains, just as trauma affects war veterans; the kids are also more susceptible to mental problems later, such as depression and anxiety disorders.

Signs of abuse at home: insomnia, fear of sleep, nightmares, headaches, stomachaches, asthma, ulcers, fights, tantrums, withdrawal, low energy, isolation, stealing, bedwetting, eating disorders, fear of going to school or leaving Mom alone, talk of suicide. Also injuries and absences; demanding attention; perfectionism.

Signs of neglect: malnutrition, bad hygiene, sleepiness, illness, and low parent involvement.

Sex abuse signs: fear of people and places, clinging, irritation, anxiety, habit regression (thumbsucking), inappropriate behavior/touching, change in appetite, scary drawings, freaking out on places she might be touched or talking about it; coming and going from school at odd times, hostility and disruption, running away, substance abuse, sex issues, withdrawal, nightmares, bedwetting, aggressive play, bribing for friendships, stealing, hitting, lack of friends.

ASK THE MOM
Ask the victim: has abuser affected your child, hurt them, threatened them, hurt you in front of them, yelled at you loud enough for them to hear? Has the child tried to protect you, or been injured? Is the child afraid to leave you alone, or to be alone with the abuser? What does the child think of life at home, and would they like it to change?

If the DV survivor is abusing the children herself, she should get help, but she should also know that, depending on local law, mandated reporters (doctors, nurses, police, teachers etc) are required to go to the authorities if they even suspect child abuse. Still, it may do better to be proactive and take these issues to the authorities, to show you're looking out for the interests of the children. It really depends on the situation and the law.

PROTECT THE KIDS
If you leave the abuser, figure out a safe way to either take the children with you, or stash them somewhere safe.

School: tell the homeroom teacher and guidance counselor what is up; vary your route and schedule for delivering the kids to school, and switch schools if need be.

If you think the abuser could try to grab the kids: give any restraining orders to the school, babysitter, day care, coach; give them a photo of the abuser (and information about his car), and tell them who has permission for pickups and warn them not to give out addresses or phone numbers (consider using a password for releasing the kids by phone). Get your kids ID’ed with the police. Red-flag the names of the kids with the State Department if there’s a chance the abuser could try to take them out of the country. FPLS, within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, helps find stolen kids.

TALKING WITH THE KIDS
Ask the child, if the situation calls for it: what is good and bad about life at home, who makes the rules and what happens when you break them, what happens when parents argue or are angry (and what do you do), are you afraid, and do you have someone to talk to? Listen and validate.

Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they care about is being violent. Tell them that neither you nor they are at fault or cause the violence. Teach them never to interfere when the adults fight: go somewhere safe and call 911. Tell them about all the other people they can go to, especially at school: teacher, nurse, guidance counselor etc.

Teach the kids a code which signals that they should leave the house or get help.

Teach your kids the escape plan and practice it with them (a hidey-hole, a neighbor’s house), unless you think they will tell the abuser. Give them a plan they can use if you’re not there.

If they’re old enough, give them a cellphone and teach them to call the police, work, friends, to include collect calls. Teach them not to give out addresses or phone numbers, and teach them to tell a teacher if the abuser shows up at school.

Make sure that teachers, guidance counselors, coaches, babysitters etc all know the rules about handing the kids over to someone not authorized; use a password if need be, give everyone the restraining order complete with picture of him and description of the car. Make sure they all know not to give away your address or phone number.

There is always the possibility that a child will give away the game by contacting the abuser himself (relatives can cause the same problem). You might consider letting the children write letters to the abuser, so you can control things better.

DATING
Each year, 1 in 11 teens are victims of physical dating abuse. Other studies show at least 25% of teenagers have been in violent relationships. One in five high school girls physically or sexually abused by dating partner.

Signs that your daughter may be in an abusive relationship: if you’re trying to spot the abusive teen, look for the “Actor” who can be persuasive and likeable in public and when he first meets his victim, but also you see public insults and belittling, jealousy, the assertion that her parents don’t like him, controlling, checking up on her, sarcasm, ridicule, laughing at her, smirking, eye-rolling, insults, interrupting, ignoring, walking away when she’s talking, swearing, shouting, intimidation, threats, throwing things, breaking things, pushing, shoving, pointing, waving his fist, violence, injuries.

And this is what the victim looks like: excusing behavior, apologizing, losing interests in hobbies, isolation, injuries, absences.

If you’re a girl and you think your friend is being abused, be supportive but not judgmental. The message should be – “I’m listening, I’m there for you, I won’t tell until you say so, here’s what I see and how it’s affecting you; I can help.” Don’t be judgmental, don’t shame her, don’t give her ultimatums.

If you’re a guy and you think you’re friend is abusing his girlfriend, lay it on the line: “What you’re doing is wrong, I’m not just going to sit here and watch it, you could be arrested for this crime, talk to somebody about it.” Don’t make him feel ashamed of himself necessarily, but give him a nudge in the right direction.

Look out for GPS in the car

2011-11-15T20:03:00.001-05:00

GPS devices are becoming a key tool which abusers use to control their victims: if you go into a search engine like Google and pull on “track spouse”, “monitor spouse” etc, you will see page after page of entries showing how to monitor someone via GPS.

The logic is rather insidious. Abusers, as we know, are masters of rationalization, and one of their preferred methods is to evince the suspicion that their wives are cheating on them – using an imaginary, delusional “offense” of the victim to justify excessive monitoring of her movements. The ostensible suspicion of cheating is just a pretext for seeking increased control of her. So you will see a lot of “TrackYourCheatingSpouse.com” and so forth, on the internet.

If the abuser is using GPS for this purpose – sticking a device in a car, for example – there really isn’t any way to tell what kind of specific device it is, until you find it. For that reason I will focus on how to find them, rather than how they work. I will point out briefly, however, that GPS devices are essentially small computers, and like computers they need to do two essential things – get electrical power, and store and send data. Some get power from batteries while others piggyback off the car battery; some transmit data actively to a satellite while others are passive, which means the data must be retrieved by the user. Here is how to find a GPS device in your car, ranging from easier to more problematic.

First, the arms-reach system. If the device is passive or battery-powered, the abuser must reach under or into the car and retrieve the device every few days, to swap out the battery or retrieve the geolocational data. He won’t want to open the hood and dig deep into the car every four days – he wants something easier. So look for something attached to a part of the car that is easy to reach: fenders, bumpers, wheel wells etc. This technique, like most of the others on this list, is something you can ask a good mechanic or the local police to help you with.

Second, the electrical system. If the GPS device is piggy-backing off of the car battery, there must be a connection somewhere. Have the mechanic run through the electrical system – the car battery, the fuse box, onboard computers etc – to look for something that isn’t supposed to be there. A dealership that handles your brand of car should be able to tell the most quickly that something new and/or foreign is under the hood.

The RF detector. If the GPS device actively communicates with a satellite, it will emit an RF transmission every 10-30 seconds, which a mechanic can locate if he has RF equipment (RF standing for Radio Frequency).

Tinfoil. I mention this because a number of websites recommend this, but in fact it can be dangerous. If you wrap the GPS device, or its antenna, in foil, it impedes the transmission of the geolocational data. But it also tips off the abuser that you’re messing with the GPS gear. And then you’ve got serious trouble.

GPS jammers. Internet purveyors also recommend these devices, which jam any GPS signals nearby. Very effective, and getting cheaper all the time, but also illegal in the U.S., last time I checked – terrorists have used them to interfere with military and law enforcement authorities, and your jammer could interfere with perfectly legitimate GPS plotting activities nearby. If you plan to be anywhere near a courtroom in the near future, you need a really good reason to deliberately break the law.

Swap cars. Dump the car you have and buy/rent a new one. This technique is obviously more complicated, and it is best used right at the time you’re leaving the abuser: do this too soon and he could just stick a GPS device on the new car, just as he did with the old. Wait too long – in other words, keep your existing car, GPS and all, after you’ve moved to a new location – and he may well figure out what your new location is.

If the abuser is connected to your Onstar account, take him off.

Needless to say, digging around looking for a GPS in your car can be dangerous. Perhaps wait until it’s time to have the car tuned up, and have it searched then, by a pro. Or fake a repair problem that the abuser couldn’t possibly fix.

In addition to counteracting the GPS itself, there is also the option of faking the abuser out. Don’t take a possibly-bugged car anywhere suspicious: have your lawyer or domestic-violence advocate meet you somewhere safely innocuous, borrow someone else’s car, or park somewhere innocuous and then walk to your destination.

The car isn’t the only place he might put a GPS device. Anything you have with you every day – a purse is a good example – is a place he might plant a device. If you’re leaving the abuser, one thing to consider round about that time is -- dump out your purse, look at everything that’s in there, throw out anything you don’t recognize, and get a new purse. He could bug the kids’ stuff too.

Ask your local police department if they know a mechanic who can help find GPS units.

Is GPS monitoring legal? This is an area in which you want to talk to a lawyer, or contact the state Attorney General’s office – some states have, in fact, passed laws saying you can’t put GPS in a car that isn’t yours. Most of the court decisions focus on GPS use by the police – whether they need warrants and so forth – and so far there is little case law pertaining to GPS use by private individuals. My guess (not being a lawyer) is that ownership is a central issue: if the abuser is also the owner of your vehicle, it would not be hard for him to argue that he wants GPS in the car to prevent theft. On the other hand, if you have left the abuser or have a protective order against him, and you have sole ownership or legal possession of the vehicle, it should be easier to argue that he has no business monitoring your movements. Again – talk to a legal guy in your state.

How survivors stay safe on the phone

2011-11-15T20:01:00.008-05:00

THE PHONE

First, let’s talk about getting a new “dumb” phone, i.e. not a “smartphone”.
First, you’re looking for a good deal: don’t forget to look at Skype or Pingo.com. Verizon and other phone carriers may donate air time for survivors
You want it digital because it’s harder to intercept.
You want to password-protect the account, to ensure that the abuser can’t just call in to customer service and get your data, even if he has your name and social.
You want an unlisted number.
You want the bill sent to an address which the abuser doesn’t know.
Get Caller ID, call trace *57, and get the operator to help if call blocking prevents your call from getting through.
Make sure the phone doesn’t have GPS tracking or locator services like FamilyMap.
Keep the phone charged, handy, and hidden. If your battery is low, dial *3370# and you can use the emergency battery reserve.
Your answering system should give away your number only, not your name, and it should have a male voice ideally (there’s free software that does this).
Screen calls; if the abuser calls, tape and log it, and photograph the Caller ID.
Be safe. Make sure you have a safe place to use the phone. If the abuser finds the phone, not only can he throw a fit, he can also load it with Flexispy monitoring and hear your calls.
When you're calling someone potentially dangerous (the local women's center, a lawyer), use *67 so they can't see your number and call you back without thinking.
If you’re still living with the abuser, it is dangerous to load your home phone with numbers related to your escape, particularly if the number-label in the phone says something obvious like “women’s shelter” or something.
If 911 doesn't work, dial 112.
800-FREE-411 calls Information for free.
Keep important numbers handy (memorized if you can, or stashed in your email): the local shelter, the domestic violence hotline, the protetive-order registry, your job, your case worker, the DA, the lawyer, the court; the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Other options: borrow a friend’s phone, get a phone card (and keep it with you), get a pay-as-you-go phone, know where the local payphones are (if they exist anymore).
Also: turn off cordless phones and baby monitors.

THE SMART PHONE

Most of the rules above also apply to smart phones. A smart phone is a cool tool, but it’s dangerous too. You must protect access to a smartphone just like a computer, and use the PIN number; if you don’t, an abuser can get into your computer activity, hack into your phone, load spyware like Flexispy (especially on Google/Androids), etc. Even with a PIN, a good hacker can try to bust your code.

GPS is a big problem for smartphones: both the Apple phones and the Google/Android phones were discovered to be storing “geolocational” data, which means that you – or the abuser – can look into the internal files and track where you’ve been, even when you weren’t actually using the phone. When you’re buying the phone, ask the service guy, not the sales guy, how the “geo” stuff works, and how to turn it off. Apple phones can encrypt the data via iTunes (do Options and Encrypt iPhone Backup), or you can “jailbreak” the phone and download “Untrackerd” (but that invalidates the warranty and opens you up to spyware and malware). Google phones can be fixed by going into menu / settings / loc and loc services. And of course the manufacturers are constantly changing all this.

Another reason to avoid smartphones: it was just revealed that most smartphones contain software which monitors every keystroke you make – information which an abuser could potentially access, if he can get to your phone. Technical experts are still arguing how serious this danger is. But “dumb” phones don’t have this problem.

How survivors survive on the internet

2011-11-15T20:01:00.007-05:00

EMAIL AND WORD PROCESSING

Set up a new email -- Set up a second account known only to you and the people who need to know; Google Gmail is the most secure email tool. Change your password often – the abuser can use services like Yourhackerz to crack your password.
Documents -- Stash all your documents in the new email address, as email attachments; then delete those documents from the computer itself and dump the Recycle Bin, and never store sensitive documents on the computer itself. Do word processing on the net, not the computer – use email.
Emails -- Forward all “problematic” emails to the new account and then delete them from the old account (dump both the Sent and the Trash); get rid of “dangerous” email addresses in your address book too.
Attachments -- Don’t open attachments from strangers – spyware gets in your computer that way.
The old email account -- Keep using your old account too, so the abuser doesn’t get suspicious.
Website addresses -- Save your sensitive websites (domestic violence center, lawyer, Greyhound, etc) by cutting the address from the little window up top, and emailing them to yourself in the new account. Then erase them from Favorites if they’re there.

SURFING THE NET

Don’t put any dangerous links in Favorites, like the link to the local women’s center – again, email those links to your secret account, and clean out Favorites.
Change all your screen names and passwords. Don't use anything related to you, especially pictures.
Stay off internet sites where he could see what you’re up to – don’t post personal information, and steer clear of sites he uses; generally, stay off the net as much as possible.
Be very careful with Facebook, and don’t put your email security answers there!
Firefox is the most secure browser – they make it easy for you to encrypt communications with companies that allow encryption, like Mastercard, Verizon, Greyhound.
Flush the internet browsing history, and use InPrivate Browsing or “Porn Mode” – it won’t record your internet activity. It’s usually listed under Tools in your browser. If you’re in Firefox, use the privacy tool [Tools / Options / Privacy] to prevent your browser history from being recorded (their version of “Porn Mode”), when you’re accessing sensitive sites. Or, use the line-item history-deletion tool [History / right-click / delete] when you’re accessing sensitive sites.

THE COMPUTER ITSELF

Always log out and never let the computer save your password.
Don’t use the Idle or Hibernate functions.
Have something shiny in front of you, so you can see if he’s reading over your shoulder.
Find other computers to use – get a new one and stash it, or go to the library, take a netbook to McDonalds, coffee shops like Starbucks, Panera Bread etc. If you type “My County My State Wifi” in the Google search engine, it will probably tell you more places you can access the net, if you have a laptop. At the library you don’t even need the laptop; same for internet cafes, or a pal’s house. If you share a computer with the abuser, consider the computer "enemy territory".
Don’t monitor his net activity – but if you notice that his activity involves shopping for weapons, surveillance, GPS, then maybe it’s time to go to DEFCON 1 and execute that safety plan.

HOW THE ABUSER WILL TRY TO SPY ON YOU
The abuser can put “spyware” on the computer and watch everything you do, to include trying to recover things you’ve thrown out, and even engineers can have trouble detecting the software. If you think there is spyware, there are things you can look for – program files with names that include “undelete” and “recover”, odd activity in Service and Applications, odd activity in the registry or port traffic, or you can even download software that looks for spyware. But remember that (a) such tools are not perfect, and (b) there may be trouble if the abuser notices you’re trying to sniff out spyware. The only foolproof way to beat spyware is to stash your important documents in cyberspace and then use a new computer which he can’t access (either buy a new little netbook and stash it somewhere safe, or borrow one at the library or a friend’s house).

Keep in mind that if you’re communicating with the internet through the air – a wireless router at home or somewhere like Starbucks – then a really obsessive abuser can hire a “wardriver”, a detective who can sit outside the building in his car with a laptop and an antenna, and try to intercept your communications. At the very least, don’t use your credit card to buy stuff on the net at Starbucks – the guy at the next table can use intercept software like Firesheep and read your credit card details. And if you have a wireless system at home, protect it with a password.

Disable the webcam – he can use software to watch you.

Now, a hint for after you leave home. A clever abuser can also try to track you through your computer. Each computer has an IP address – a code which is different for each computer – and out on the internet there are companies who can help the abuser to use the IP address to find where you are physically. Also, some websites you visit can be used to track your whereabouts, and there are other potential hazards, such as the identity and regional location of your internet service provider, the phone line you might be using to ping the ISP, and so forth. One handy tool is Tor, a website that gives away free software which routes your internet traffic all over the planet, disguising your IP in the process.

How survivors manage money

2011-11-15T20:00:00.003-05:00

Money issues to consider:

Bank accounts. Open a new account in your name, at a new bank. Stash away small amounts of money bit by bit, switch your direct-deposit paychecks to the new account later on (assume that he may be watching the money), and then withdraw the money that you’re entitled to at the last minute before leaving. After you leave, use cash when you can, particularly with respect to transactions which give away a location.

Credit cards. Disentangle your credit history from his, so you’re not responsible if he goes on a spending spree out of spite. Use joint accounts only when necessary, because he can track your purchases and location: tell the credit card company that you’re no longer going to use his card, and them to give you a break on interest and late fees if any. Also, ask them for a new credit card and number, so he can't report it stolen and cancel the card on you. Get your own credit cards in your own name; contact the credit card companies and explain the situation, sending court orders and other documentation as needed; get them to block him from your data, to include password protection. Bill the accounts to a PO box or other address not known to the abuser.

Credit history. Beg for mercy. Tell your creditors, landlord, utilities etc about your situation, ask for a break on paying back (they may want to see proof that you’re in a jam, police reports, court reports, other documents etc – give them a copy of the restraining order perhaps). Get your credit report to see what you’re responsible for, www.annualcreditreport.com, (877) FACT-ACT, www.equifax.com ; watch accounts for odd activity. A credit counselor can help untangle your credit situation and joint accounts; a bankruptcy attorney can help untangle things even if you don’t go the bankruptcy route.

Things to do, to improve your credit history...
Stick to the same job and address.
Establish a bank account, even if it's a small one.
Get a phone in your name and pay it off on time.
Work with utilities to get into their budget plan if they have one.
Arrange a payment plan with creditors.
Beware that the abuser may try to ruin your credit.

Don't forget to square things away with insurers.

The abuser may try to get access to your financials. Here’s how to protect yourself.

Arrange a PO box to receive bills and other documents, and consider a mail-forwarding service (some states offer the services to DV survivors). Figure out who else should get a key to the box. You can also bill the account to a friend’s house temporarily.

Set up some sort of password-protection deal with their customer service folks if need be, for bank accounts and credit card accounts (phone accounts too), so the abuser doesn’t try to call in and get your account information. As we know, some of those customer service people are a bit under-trained, and it’s not impossible that a sweet-talking abuser can talk them into handing over your account activity.

If you share an online account with the abuser, or if he knows your passwords, then get new accounts or new passwords. Any account he knows about, close it as soon as you can. It’s not impossible for an abuser to hire a detective to try to track you through accounts you’re known to use.

One problem is that if you try to find a new place to live, the landlord will run your credit history, and the abuser may be alerted when that happens. You can avoid that by asking the landlord not to check your credit history while using the correct new address, or having a friend to the lease, or a co-signer.

Another problem is that when you cancel a service or do a change of address, the customer-service guy will promise you very sincerely that no confirmation letter will be sent to the old house, but then their computers automatically send one anyway. So depending on the situation: go ahead and ask them not to send the letters; don't bother with a change of address for the post office, using a PO box instead; don't bother to terminate tricky services like the internet and cable TV; change passwords on everything; and if the situation calls for it, go out and check the mail each day to ensure that some bonehead customer-service system didn't send you something anyway.

Acquire a one-time-use prepaid debit card at a retailer, and load it with as much money as you want.

Keep money with you always, and stash money in your escape bag.

The survivor goes to her job

2011-11-15T19:59:00.005-05:00

The leading cause of death for women inside the workplace is...relationship violence. Husbands and boyfriends attack their victims at work about 260 times a week in the U.S. So:

At work, decide whether to tell your boss (see if he can help you access services), the security boss (provide a picture of the abuser), HR, and possibly others about your problems.
If they try to fire you because of the abuse problem (it’s happened), sue and tell the media if you have to.
Keep a copy of the TRO at work. Show the security guy, and include a picture.
Have someone screen your calls – save any abusive or threatening messages by the abuser, email too. Use a password for incoming calls if need be.
Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. Have someone walk you in and out.
Change your work hours and route taken to work, lunchtime included.
Change your point-of-contact details at work, and ensure that no one is giving out your new phone extension or address. Block the abuser's emails if need be.
Have a lunch buddy – and while you’re at lunch, move your car right in front of the entrance for a quick getaway at night. Back the car into the parking space. Keep it gassed up.
Does your car have a key alarm?
Have a plan for driving home (not alone if possible – at least have someone walk you to the car).
Have a plan for using public transportation (if you see the abuser at your usual stop, sail on to the next station, get off with another passenger, or get help from the driver)
Have a backup plan for when things go sour (drive to a public place).
If your work area is not accessible by the abuser, use it as a preparation point for your escape plan, but not as the actual launch point the day you leave – too obvious.
If it's a large firm, try to transfer to a new site.
Ask your boss or HR person if you can use a work computer for your safety plan; they might also be able to hook you up with community DV resources.
Does HR have a domestic-violence support program? Someone who can listen and help?
Ask for leave to deal with your problems if need be.
If your workplace takes an indifferent attitude toward your problem, or condones the abuser's behavior -- can you quit?

How do you stay safe, at home and moving around?

2011-11-15T19:58:00.004-05:00

So how do you stay safe, at home and moving around? Here are some options to consider.

At home, change the locks if need be, get locks on the windows, change the phone number and don’t list it, get metal doors, a security system, alarms (and change the code), cameras, motion-sensitive lights, door wedges, window bars, rope window ladders, fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, outdoor lighting.
Plan an escape route and teach the kids.
Memorize emergency phone numbers.
Keep court order with you always, if you have one.
Hide a phone in a lockable room.
Keep in mind that some landlords resist renting to DV survivors for fear that the abuser will come knocking – find out what the local law says about that.
Never throw any documents in the trash at home -- take it to work or somewhere else, or shred it.
Don't put your name out on the mailbox.
Keep the car alarm button under your pillow -- unless you park very far away, you can crank up the car alarm instantly if attacked.

Make yourself more mobile.
Before leaving the abuser, create many plausible reasons for leaving the house, day or night – shopping, walking the dog, taking out the trash – and get out more.
You might even concoct a pretext for travelling alone occasionally – have an out-of-town relative fake an illness – and set up some of your escape plan while you’re out there.
Once you know where you’re going to, plan and rehearse the route.
Keep the car gassed up and pointed toward the road, not the house.
Arrange rides with different people and get the number of a local taxi service.

Make yourself hard to find.
Use different stores and banks than you usually do, and use them at different times; vary your travel routes and habits often.
Arrange a PO box to receive bills and other documents, and consider a mail-forwarding service (some states offer the services to DV survivors); see about changing that social security number.
If you know your ultimate destination once you escape (Chicago, for example) then never ever say the word “Chicago” -- don’t say it, write it, think it.
If you have Onstar, disable it or call one of their supervisors and ensure that the abuser can never access your data or billing (use a password if you can, for release of data).

If he is armed and dangerously crazy, maybe you don’t go straight to your mom’s or your sister’s – he knows where that is, and you will be putting even more people in danger.

Avoid the abuser. He is likely to hunt you, and to try to trick you into exposing yourself. Constant vigilance.
He will try to trick you, so you must have a total cut-off from contact with him. Expect "Trojan Horse" attacks: sending unwanted flowers, gifts or packages to you, or to friends and family in such a way as to expose your location, or offering you money -- have him send it to a safe address that he can't use to track you.
Avoid the places you used to go when you were with the abuser; avoid the places he goes, especially his home and social spots; reschedule any appointments which the abuser is aware of (you may need to switch doctors, and anyone else you see regularly).
Have a plan if it is absolutely necessary to meet him (use public places and always bring a companion), and have a plan for what to do if he confronts you unexpectedly -- think of a very public place to run to (a police station is ideal).
Arrange to have a co-worker watching for your arrival at work, and a roomie or neighbor to do the same at home.

Keep in mind that the abuser may be monitoring your odometer, putting a chalk mark on your tire etc, in addition to the GPS problem, which we address in another article.

Packing to escape

2011-11-15T19:57:00.006-05:00

Pack the stuff you need to hit the road, and stash as much as possible in safe place you can get to easily. Things to consider:

Documents: Xerox as many as you can and stash them. Papers relating to medical history, immunization, schools, addresses, social security, marriages, divorce, taxes, mortgages, birth certificates, car titles, and leases, insurance, pay stubs, and of course the protective order if any. You can save a lot of trouble and order copies of these documents, if it's not safe to look around the house for the originals. And have them sent somewhere safe!
Enough money to travel on (save a bit each month and stash it); withdrawal slips, credit cards in your own name, ATM cards, checkbooks, bank and credit card statements, payment books
Identity documents, passports, green cards, work permits, welfare papers, rolodexes of names and addresses.
Also property documents, retirement accounts, stocks, bonds, CDs, mortgage/investment documents, property taxes, deeds, wills.
Alarm company information.
Medicines, prescriptions, glasses, hearing aids, canes, wheelchairs, walkers, dentures
Kids: favorite toys, clothes, blankets
Abuse: documentation of past abuse to include police/medical documents and photos, restraining order, injunctions, custody
Keys: home, car, office -- make extras!
Clothes for you and the kids (who do you know who wears your size?)
Driver’s license, registration, transit passes
Phone and phone card
Phone numbers: relatives, doctor, school, friends
Identification: passports, green cards, work permits, welfare papers
Account passwords – never keep them in the abuser’s home!
If you have pets, you need a plan for them
Valued pictures, jewelry, or personal possessions.
Maps to get you to your destination.
Handy non-perishable non-messy car food.

Next time you pack to go on a vacation, save the packing list – might come in handy.

You will want to pull some of this stuff out for an emergency bag – what you will grab if you are really, really in a hurry. This bag will contain money, extra keys, clothes, bank documents, birth certificates, copies of school/medical records, medicine, Social Security cards, credit cards, insurance papers, citizenship papers, important phone numbers, drivers license and registration, documentation of abuse. Find a safe place to stash this bag, where you can get it quickly – is the trunk of your car safe?

Preparing to escape

2011-11-15T19:56:00.008-05:00

If you plan to escape, then that means changing virtually every aspect of your life: your home, your money, your car, your job, schools, the works. This requires a lot of planning: the big issues are money and jobs, housing, child support, and emotional support. He has had a plan for years, to control you, so you need a plan too – you need to be ten steps ahead of him.

Schedule places and times for yourself to work on your plan.
Review these articles (particularly the section on packing to escape), come up with your own plan and keep it safe (disguise it as a FEMA-style emergency-readiness kit for hurricanes, floods, fires, earthquakes, tornados etc).
Plan it like the script of a movie, step by step: where you will go, where your purse and keys are stashed so you can grab them quickly, whom you will contact, what to do with the kids, what you’re bringing and where it’s stashed, what your alternate escape route will be if the first one goes sour.
Figure out when you can be ready, and start thinking in terms of that target date.
Stash a copy in a secret email account or hide it with a friend, or at work.
Be thorough – it’s the little details that lead to big trouble.
Review your safety plan with a domestic violence advocate to plan the safest way to leave the abuser.
Memorize important numbers (like Social Security) and have the numbers for shelters and the rest of your support network handy (hidden).
Learn some marketable job skills.
Stash money somewhere safe.
Make a list of the things you'd like to get out of the house, and prioritize -- which ones do I really need? Try to move some of your stuff out ahead of time, behind his back, if it’s safe.
Pack in trash bags – easier than boxes and suitcases.
Make extra keys.
Is the car in good shape, and the last payment made?
Plan for contingencies, in case things go wrong: the bank is closed, the car breaks down, sick kid, movers don’t show, new home unready, abuser calls, neighbors blow the whistle, etc.

A key element in all of this is putting together your “posse”, your “Gang of Four”: these are a handful of people who know you intend to leave. Even they probably only need to know very little about your new destination, address, phone number. What little you tell them, tell at the last minute. Ideally the posse consists of people the abuser doesn’t know, because he will con them or threaten them; think of relatives in other states, old college friends, pastors. Don’t trust anybody else, because people can’t help spilling secrets and some may take information about you straight to the abuser because they like him or they want to save your marriage. And don’t tell the kids anything!

Another key element: don’t tip him off in your behavior. The New Runaway You must look, sound, feel exactly like the Old Terrified You. Abusers are very perceptive. Be an actress. Don’t change your routines. If he’s suspicious, consider distracting him with a diversion.

Feel free to use fakery: join an activity or a gym, and use that time to plan your departure. Find something to distract his attention with, so he's not paying full attention. Plan your cover stories carefully. Give no sign of your departure right up until D-Day, then skip out when everything is quiet and a departure is least expected, and leave a false trail of phone calls to hotels and schools 300 miles away from your real destination.
Think about what will happen at the time you actually leave, to keep safe. Many DV attacks – and many of the fatalities -- occur right when the survivor tries to leave.Never tell him you're seeking a divorce until after you have a safety plan.
Figure out the ground rules at your new home and work, to include how to communicate with family and friends.
Call ahead to the police and the women’s shelter at your destination.
Prepare to send an “I am alive and well” letter to authorities, so they don’t go hunting for you.
Use form letters to tell everyone not to give him information about you, to include passwords which must be used before anything is released to anybody; send them to friends, family, utilities, creditors, insurers, lawyer, accountant, doctor.
Prepare for possible legal action: collect your new point-of-contact details, details regarding your car, the abuser’s abusive letters/emails/voice messages, the abuser’s phone numbers, and bagged/dated hair samples for both of you.

Surviving a violent incident

2011-11-15T19:56:00.004-05:00

If everything goes out of control, try to defuse the situation. Figure out what triggers the violence; plan for what you will do if he becomes violent, or if he finds out about part of your escape plan. In a pinch, give him what he wants, tell him what he wants to hear, but don’t believe any promises.

Try to decrease the odds on getting hurt. Get weapons out of the house (hide them or lock them up); don’t wear necklaces which he can use to choke you; avoid the kitchen or garage, and avoid places with no easy escape (bathroom). Figure out which windows you can escape from, and which doors you can lock behind you. Don’t go near the kids if things get out of control. Lock yourself in a room with a phone if possible; call 911 and get the dispatcher's name. Take a self-defense course. As a last resort, curl up in a corner with your arms on either side of your head, fingers intertwined.

Make it easier to get out. Plan and practice an escape route with the kids: windows, elevator, stairs, fire escapes. Pick two destinations -- public places, shelter, hospitals, stores, restaurants, friend’s homes, anything that is open 24/7, or has a pay phone. Keep your purse and keys handy; have extra keys in a magnetic box under your car bumper, and make duplicates of all essentials in your purse and stash them somewhere.

Get help. Set up a danger code involving a reference to a non-existent person (“Aunt Shirley called today” etc) so that children, friends, neighbors or co-workers can sound the alarm. If you can manage to call 911, get the names and badge numbers of dispatchers, responding officers, doctors and nurses, and make sure to tell them everything that happened, and have them document and photograph everything. This is essential for taking all this to court.

Find out whether the local police station is 24/7 – don’t run there if it’s closed!

Now, I am going to add something controversial here. Generally, domestic violence victims should never try to fight with their abusers – it’s safer to just get out (if possible) and it looks better in court if you’ve never hit him. However, there may be isolated instances in which you know that (a) you really need to get out now, and (b) the only way out is to defend yourself, and (c) you don’t think that curling up on the floor while he attacks you is going to solve the problem. In that last extremity, if you must fight him off, then absolutely fight dirty.

--If you try to hit him, hit for hit, you lose, because he’s bigger. So add everything: scratching, spitting, pulling hair, biting. Fighting back will probably be a surprise – the one thing all bullies hate.
--Go for the sensitive spots. You have the Big Four, the SING pattern – Solar plexus (the belly just under the ribs), the Instep (the side of the foot, easy to stomp on), the Nose (it bleeds like crazy), and the Groin (no explanation needed). S-I-N-G. Also the eyes, the throat, ears, hair.
--Anything sharp or hard can be a weapon. Go for sharp rather than hard – it’s easier and more effective for a woman to cut him than bruise him badly.
--If you manage to hit him once and immobilize him, nail him again and again so he doesn’t recover quickly. If he can target vulnerability, so can you.
--Use your arms to block his blows, like Mister Miyagi taught you. His main advantage his hitting from the upper body, and if you can block that, you take away a big advantage.
--Scream. The one thing that terrifies an abuser is an audience.
--In the last extremity, if he is holding a gun and you feel you have no other choice, then either grab his gun arm and shove it away while you hit him elsewhere or shove him down. Or, grab the gun itself and twist hard – you might actually snap off his trigger finger.
--Do these things only until you’ve gotten an opportunity to run, and then run. Because escaping is the point of the whole thing.
--Just remember that all the damage you do to him, he’s going to complain to the police about.

I mention these strategies only because they did a study of other man-on-woman violence, mostly involving rape and robbery, and they found that if a woman felt that fighting was her only choice, then fighting back did NOT significantly increase the risk of serious injury, whereas being passive, pleading and freezing up didn’t work. So you only do this stuff only if you think it’s your only choice. Again, the smart thing to do is use your intuition and get the hell out before things get this bad.

The abuse cycle

2011-11-15T19:55:00.010-05:00

Thirty years ago researchers put forward the theory of the domestic violence cycle. According to the theory, the cycle works in three phases.

The first phase is the buildup phase: the tension in the house builds and builds, and the abusive behavior escalates gradually. The abuser gets angry; the victim tries to calm things down; arguments are avoided, the victim sometimes takes the blame for the tension but then the tension keeps building, and the fact that the victim is being passive and suppressing her own anger merely encourages the escalation. The abuser sees her withdrawing and fears she will leave.

The second phase is the “explode” phase, in which the abuser goes totally wild and the dangerous violence happens. There is no rhyme or reason as to when or why he explodes, which increases the terror. This terror can be over in two hours or last for an entire day. Sometimes the abuse will begin on an emotional or verbal plane and then escalate to physical abuse; he wants to “teach her a lesson”; often he can’t remember what he did afterward. As it ends, the victim may be in denial, calming down the partner, telling him (and herself) that it’s all over.

The third phase is the “honeymoon” phase: the abuser expresses remorse, showering her with love and attention and gifts, promising to change, and telling her “please don’t go, I’ll get help, if you leave you’ll be the one who’s responsible for ruining me” etc etc. He shows her the man she thinks he is deep inside, and his "love" is like a drug to her. Somewhere along the way he will tell her she caused the fight. The couple in effect becomes co-dependent; the victim is catatonic, possibly not even getting help for her injuries, in denial, telling herself that the “honeymoon” guy is her real partner, not the “explode” guy. It is during this phase that it’s hardest for her to distance herself and seek help, but unfortunately that’s when help arrives – she is liable to tell the helpers “never mind, everything’s okay”. Until the next time. Keep in mind that some abusers don’t even bother with the pretense of the honeymoon. Some women even get addicted to the honeymoon phase -- they are so happy when the violent phase shifts to the honeymoon, that it can actually strengthen his control over her. It's called "the traumatic bond".

Researchers argued thirty years ago that once a couple goes through this cycle twice, the victim can be characterized as a battered woman. Of course the research has progressed significantly since then.

So, tell me, folks – does this theory hold up?

Can abusers change?

2011-11-15T19:55:00.009-05:00

It is not common for abusers to change. According to one study, only five percent of abusers really changed, in the sense of really stopping both the emotional and physical abuse and began treating the victim with respect: and even then change is unlikely unless his life sustains some major impact -- a large number of people "intervene", or he's arrested or fired, or the survivor leaves. And even those changes are still external to him: it doesn't mean he wants to change -- he just wants to put on a sufficient appearance of change to get his old life back.

The situation will not change unless the abuser changes: it is he, not the survivor or any external factor or any problem in his history, who makes the choice to be an abuser, a controller. And nothing a woman can do will change a man: he does what he does because he chooses to. And for change to happen, he must want to change, and he must respect the survivor, neither of which are unlikely. Ask him nicely to change and he will refuse; ask him not so nicely and he will become angry; trying to make him feel better about himself will only feed his ego and validate his behavior. If he ever had enough respect for you to make the changes, he wouldn’t have abused you in the first place.

All survivors must remember that the "Nice" husband who shows up occasionally was the act he staged for you and your family: the "Nasty" husband who showed up a few months after the honeymoon is the real man, with his mask off. The "Nice" guy is the myth; the "Nasty" guy is the one you're really married to. So waiting for "Nice" to return is like waiting for your favorite cancelled show to return to the air: all that is fiction, not fact.

And what if you force the issue, threaten to leave, get outside help from family or the courts? Abusers are manipulators, and even if he admits there’s a problem, he will still try to game the system. He will try, as always, to rewrite the rules of the game: you must forgive him, on his timetable, when he feels he’s done enough to change (in fact, it may be that you never forgive him no matter how hard he tries, and that is your right no matter what he says). He will try to steer responsibility back on you: “I can only change if you change too, you must help me, you must show more appreciation for how much I’ve changed already!” He may shift from more obvious abuse and toward more sophisticated manipulation. He will try to bargain: “I will give up this abusive pattern if you let me keep this other one – I’ll stop hitting you if you stop hanging around with those friends who keep badmouthing me” (which is a bit like negotiating with a terrorist, and you should never have to trade one form of abuse for another). He will evade and dodge, and if he can’t get what he wants with you, he may just give up and seek an even more pliant victim so he can go back to using all his abuse tools as before.

Some women believe that drugs and alcohol are causing the abuse, and that getting him clean and sober will solve the problem. This doesn’t work either: intoxication doesn’t cause the abuse – although it can make the violence worse – so getting him clean won’t fix the abuse. An abuser in recovery may reduce his abuse temporarily because he’s too busy focusing on his recovery, or he may even ramp up the abuse, but they don’t stop abusing when they’re clean. At best they may curtail the physical violence while keeping up the emotional abuse which can be even more damaging. An abuser will also exploit his recovery, making himself and his recovery effort the center of your lives at the expense of everything else, claiming that he should get a free pass on abuse that happened before he sobered up, or using recovery as a bargaining chip – “by challenging me on my abuse, you’re threatening my sobriety!” -- playing off the abuse against the recovery or vice versa.

He may claim that child abuse causes him to abuse as an adult, but that is not a valid excuse, any more than the "Sorry, I was drunk" excuse. Although some kids who were abused grow up to be abusers, 75 percent of them do not. Being an abuser is a choice.

Remorse, even genuine remorse, doesn’t change the behavior, and remorse itself fades away as he gets used to tuning out your feelings; backsliding is the rule, not the exception, even when they make progress. As long as you’re with him, he believes you’re there because you can’t leave no matter what, and if you leave and then come back, the abuse may actually increase because you’ve just persuaded him that you have no choice. If you leave for good, which is he more likely to do: admit he was wrong all along and change his ways, now that it’s pointless since you’ve left, or find a new victim so he can have life back the way he wants again?

Genuine reform is very unlikely in abusers who are self-centered, which describes most of them. And reform is even less likely as time goes on – as the years go by, it is harder for you to pull out and he knows it, as he slowly wears down your self-esteem, drains your energy, separates you from friends and relatives who can support you….an abuser is following a plan that can take years. Longterm batterers are less likely to change.

Once a relationship starts moving toward violence, generally it is permanently damaged. Abusers who are not yet violent will probably become physically frightening even if they don’t shift to outright violence, and the few times a violent abuser does reduce the frequency and severity of the attacks, it’s because the victim is so terrorized that all he needs to do is growl and she cowers. And unsurprisingly, abusers who batter their partners even before marriage don’t stop after they’re married.

There is a small minority of abuser who only abuse on isolated occasions under great stress, but the commoner variety is the “career” abuser, wherein abuse is part of his personality. And significantly, the better-trained a family evaluator is, the more likely they are to diagnose a batterer as a career abuser rather than a one-timer.

Therapists have tried teach couples to signal each other when they feel tension rising, then take a timeout or two, or write out their frustrations, or call a therapist or other player to intervene; they have tried strengthening the positives, role playing, playing back tapes of arguments. But even when abusers get into therapy or other programs to change their behavior, it seldom makes a difference. Generally it is not common for therapy to make progress unless there is long-term therapy (which abusers resist) and/or when there is jail time or the threat of it; inevitably there will be backsliding, efforts to put the responsibility on the victim to make it all work, and efforts to game the system.

Couples counseling – to include marriage counseling and mediation – is extremely problematic because (a) it reinforces the abuser’s argument that it’s partly the victim’s fault, and (b) it give the abuser information which the abuser can use against the victim. Another form of therapy that can backfire, is the therapist who encourages the abuser to vent his feelings, thus validating the idea that giving free rein to his anger is acceptable.

As with everything else, abusers use therapy and batterer programs to game the system: they seldom change their behavior even after completing the programs, and the abuser often tries to use the program to continue control over the victim, asserting that the program is all about how she needs to support him, and trying to use the program to con her into returning home.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TRY TO CHANGE AN ABUSER

NEEDS
There are things needed in a relationship: love, affection, kindness, respect, the free expression of views and feelings, choices, safe intimacy, equality, treating the partner as a priority, taking responsibility, caring about the impact of what you do to the other.

THIS IS HIS JOB
Healthy relationships can be fixed with teamwork, but abusive relationships must be fixed by the abuser. She should be working on building herself up, while he fixes his own problems. The abuser must accept that he has a problem, take responsibility for his choices, and accept that it is his job to fix it. He must make a specific plan himself, describing what he will do and stop doing, who he will get help from, what he will do every day. He must do the long, hard work, so he and she can get to the better life on the other side. Among the things he needs to do: control himself, empathize, be reliable, care about her feelings, accept that he’s hurting her, describe what he did and how it hurt her, give a meaningful apology and accept her right to be angry, stop from doing it again, make good choices, meet responsibilities, and support her effort to grow and to be herself.

RULES
Things he doesn’t get to do:
Evading responsibility for his actions.
Straw-man arguments – “so what you’re saying is…”
Trying to put issues out of bounds for discussion.
Backsliding.
Expecting her to spend her energy on fixing him – it’s his job. She should be working on herself, not him.
Retaliating when she complains – throwing hissy fits, anger, withdrawal, passive-aggressive behavior etc.
Bargaining – quitting his bad behavior but only partly, quitting only if she gives him something in return; he must change unconditionally because it’s the right thing to do, he doesn’t get a reward for it.

COMMUNICATION
Abusers need to find new ways to communicate, and new tools to manage their behavior.
When he begins to feel angry, he needs to slow down, stop, or even leave the house. Slow deep breaths, slow the heart rate. Get himself back on an even keel before communicating, even if it means setting an issue aside for a day, or sitting and writing what he thinks and feels.
He should be surrounded by positive not negative influences, friends, women, religious and professional people.
He must learn to feel empathy and praise her.
He must see how much better his life will be if he communicates constructively.

He must learn to communicate a new way.
Begin by seeing the facts of what bothers him – facts, not opinions; and only the facts of that incident – don’t turn “the house is a mess today” to “the house is always a mess”.
Then think about how that makes him feel.
Then think about what he really needs specifically – not everything he wants.
And then ask, not demand, what he wants.
When he does these things, he is observing facts, not judging a person.
He is more likely to get what he needs.
And he must let her do the same – ask for what she needs, without attacking her for it.
When he goes wild, he should stop and put it in reverse and try to express himself a second time, properly; paraphrase.
He should work with her to find ways for them both to be happy.
And he should remember why he loves her in the first place.

He must learn not to see communication as a contest he wants to win over an opponent or enemy.
He must give up judgmental communication, judging both her actions and the woman herself – judgmental communication is what happens just before the violence.
He must stop looking at communication in terms of reward and punishment.
He must stop comparing her unfavorably to others.
He must not game the system, turning expressions of feelings into attacks – “I feel that you are being unfair, I feel you’re neglecting me” etc.
He must not use communication and therapy as a way to dump more blame on her, for his actions.
He must not turn a request into a demand, by implying that judgment and guilt trips are coming if he doesn’t get what he wants.
He must not turn a feeling, or an expression of a need, or disappoint in someone’s act, into a judgment of a person, or a demand for obedience.
He must listen to her feelings and needs, and really listen rather than using that time to prepare the next salvo; listening does not mean “topping” her statement, trying to advise or teach her, interrogate or correct or analyze, or shut her down, or console her in a dismissive way.
The first few times, he will need to let her vent her pent-up feelings.
He must respect her, and share her with others.
He must accept responsibility instead of shifting the blame to her, to others, outside forces, authorities, societal expectations, peer pressure, uncontrollable mental problems and impulses etc.

He should understand basic human needs, for food, shelter, clothing, rest, sex; for fun and play; for spiritual inspiration, peace and harmony, beauty; for love, support, empathy, acceptance, respect, a good listener; for a feeling of self-worth; for joy and celebration; for choices.

And she has some rules to follow also.
She should try to get her own nonsense tidied up, ideally, before tackling the relationship.
She needs to gently but firmly push him out of his comfort zone.
She needs to watch him, give him feedback, and know what to do when he strays from the plan.
She shouldn’t judge herself.
She should express her feelings and pain without judging.
She should express her needs and ask him to acknowledge and respond.
She must listen too, respond to his feelings.
She should praise his positive actions.
She should not prop him up, give him money, accept excuses, forgive too quickly.
She should take time apart so he knows the relationship is at stake.
She must not beg him, cajole him, reassure him that she’ll be there no matter what.
She should expect some of his likely reactions: he may feel a sense of loss, he may believe he’s “losing” and you’re “winning”, he may feel urges to break the rules, he may not “feel like a man”, and he may try to persuade you that his behavior is your fault.
She must remember to be realistic, because no single person can give her everything she needs, or make you better if you’re not working on it yourself, or love everything about you, or fulfill you by spending time with you – you and others need to play your roles too.

HAS HE DONE ENOUGH?
How does she decide if he’s changed enough? She is the only one who gets to decide whether he’s done enough, whether she can trust him. She alone, not him, not outsiders. And just because he’s a little less of a jerk than before, doesn’t mean it’s enough. Some outsiders may argue that if he has completed a batter program, he’s done all he needs to do – which is dead wrong. In the end, a woman may need to accept that even if he’s trying with all his might, sincerely, it may never be enough to make her happy with the relationship again – and he will need to accept that too.

HOW LONG TO WAIT?
How much time to you give him, to fix himself? There are many reasons not to wait: waiting costs you time in your own life, time you need to find yourself and seek your own goals; over time you lower your expectations for the relationship, you miss opportunities, you miss connections to your friends and family. There are few strong reasons to give him much more time: time lets you cool down, assess him and the relationship, it may be better for the kids, leaving is a lot of work etc. Some of the arguments I’ve heard for waiting, actually describe a dead relationship – waiting so you can come up with a safe escape plan, get stronger so you can leave etc.

SIGNS THAT IT’S NOT WORKING
The effort to fix the relationship isn’t working if he doesn’t change his thinking; if he minimizes his past misbehavior; if he makes minor changes and declares victory; if you and he avoid each other in order to avoid more fighting; if he doesn’t listen; if he hangs around with friends who are making things worse; if he plays the victim; if he ignores the goals you need to achieve. The guy who won’t change is often afraid, or lazy, or feels no guilt, or doesn’t respect women in general, or hides in the world of addiction when things get too serious, or has enablers who validate his bad behavior. They guy who is less likely to change is the one with other relatives or immature friends running his life, the guy who is older, who abuses drugs and alcohol.

SIGNS THAT IT WILL NEVER EVER WORK
It’s time to give up if you’re only staying out of obligation; if you’re only staying until the loving feeling fades away; if you no longer recognize yourself; if you feel no love or attraction to him; if he still threatens or attacks or rapes you; if you just don’t want to work on it anymore; if he refuses to change, refuses to fix problems, or breaks the rules, especially the rules you said were deal-breakers; if he refuses to even talk about the problems, refuses to be confronted.

A good resource for the women who really do want to fix things, is “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” by Lundy Bancroft and Jac Patrissi. The book is aimed at men who are not just abusers – it also addresses men who are addicts, immature, mentally ill etc. But Lundy Bancroft specializes in abusers, and throughout the book he reminds women that it is the abusers who often can’t change – and it may actually be dangerous to try.

Abuse, mental illness, and alcoholism – how are they related?

2011-11-15T19:54:00.005-05:00

For years many believed that domestic violence was caused by alcohol. This is not really true: abusers can use alcohol as an excuse for their behavior, and alcohol can magnify the violence once it starts, but the real connection between the two problems – alcohol and violence – is that they seem to stem from the same mind set. People with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) are the people who in the past would be called psychopaths or sociopaths; it seems that ASPD can cause both domestic violence and alcohol/drug abuse: both can stem from the same disorder, rather than the alcohol causing the violence. This is, of course, only a generalization: you really can’t diagnose an individual person via an internet avenue like this.

ASPD may include lying, using aliases, conning others, stealing, irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, verbal abuse, physical fights or assaults, crime, drugs, paranoia, or cruelty to animals. A person with ASPD has trouble controlling impulses or anger, planning ahead, empathizing, caring about the safety or rights or boundaries of others, tolerating boredom, holding a job, handling finances, showing remorse, accepting responsibility for hurting or stealing from others.

ASPD-driven domestic-violence stalkers are liable to evince the same patterns: minimizing, denying, rationalizing their behavior, or blaming someone else (often the victim) for what they do. Some people with ASPD can be helped if they admit they have a problem, they want to fix it, and they have someone holding them accountable – a judge, a tough therapist, whoever. These, again, are generalizations, and you’d need a qualified professional to make a diagnosis.

Like most people with mental illness, ASPD sufferers know right from wrong. They know that beating their wives is wrong. Real delusional out-of-control psychosis is very rare.

One feature which is particularly strong in domestic abusers is the need for control. It is human nature to want to influence others and make them do what you want, but abusers take it too frightening extremes.

Incidentally, for the victims themselves, using alcohol and drugs makes it harder for you to cope with everything else that is going on in your life – the abuser, kids, work, everything. It could also make things harder if your family situation goes to court. Never get drunk or high in front of the kids, or in front of the cops, or in front of the judge. If you can kick the habit, kick it, for all the obvious reasons, as soon as you can. Your local domestic violence center will almost certainly be able to hook you up with a program, and possibly find you child care while you detox if need be. If you're not sure you have a problem, there are online questionnaires that can help.

That issue is part of a larger issue for DV survivors: if you have to go into court for anything, it looks much better if you don't have a criminal record. Don't give the judge an excuse to stop listening to you.

The abuser gets “Profiled”

2011-11-15T19:53:00.008-05:00

So what does an abuser look like?

The traditional image of a wife-beater – the guy hanging out the front door of a trailer in a tank top with more tattoos than teeth – doesn’t really hold water. These guys are smart, and they are actors, spending months sweet-talking his victim and her family into believing that he is just Too Good To Be True – which is exactly what he is. In the meantime he has his abuser’s toolkit, a thousand ways to evade, lie, excuse, attack, control, isolate, madden, crush. Everything but…change himself.

One thing to look for in actual or potential abusers is their family history. Many were abused as children; look for emotional deprivation, incest and really toxic relationships with their mothers – sometimes a visit from Mom can trigger domestic abuse all by itself. Watch also for some unusual relationships with women: “my ex was a saint compared to you, my ex was a whore, my ex beat me….”

Look for people with self-esteem issues, traditional or religious views on family, persuasive “actors”, people who are jealous, people who blame others for their failings, people who can’t control themselves but want to control others, people with guns, people who attack and threaten others, people with mental problems and potential for suicide, addictions, unemployment, housing problems, money problems (a major red flag), OCD, stalking, previous protective orders, criminal records, gambling, abusing their own children and committing incest. And lots of secrets.

Look out for the guy who sees himself as a Real Man, never afraid, never backing down, seeing women as weak or as sex objects, always demanding the best, trying to be the boss and impose discipline, lots of drinking and womanizing.

The sweet-talking phase of the romance is critical. For the first few months, particularly in public, the abuser will often put on an act, acting like a saint while occasionally embarrassing or putting down his partner and her accomplishments in front of others – she’s arm candy. He has the same charm that many psychopaths do. During this phase he is also pushing hard for a commitment from her, increasing his control. This period can last as long as two years.

Abusers are masters of manipulation. The abuser knows full well that his behavior is abusive and unacceptable, so he has a hundred ways to evade anyone who questions his actions. To him, an argument with his partner is a war, and he must use any means necessary to beat you down so that you never challenge him again. He will hide behind mystery, behind layers, behind psychobabble, rationalization, doing anything to throw everyone off track. He likes confusion and camouflage, and exudes unpredictibility: he mixes brutality with loving "intermittent reinforcement" to give his victim hope, because if she believes things will never be good, she is more likely to leave. He will steer the conversation away from the topics he fears -- he will say “now isn’t the time to get into that” -- and toward the topics he likes – invariably, the shortcomings of the victim.

Abusers have a wide range of excuses to justify their behavior. One which pops up often is “I was angry so I lost control”. This is hogwash. With everyone else, he has control of himself, and communication skills, social skills, conflict-resolutions tools, a conscience: he just chooses not to use these tools at home. And you may notice that he is very careful in the way he loses control, if you can believe it -- he will stomp around the house smashing things, but neatly enough it is never something he cares about. He isn’t “losing it”, he’s giving himself permission to lose it; he isn’t losing control of himself, he’s asserting control over his victim through terror. He doesn’t have a problem with his anger, he has a problem with your anger. Sometimes abusers consciously set up their wives to stumble into a conflict so they can “lose control” and start hitting.

And of course “I was drunk so I was out of control”. This is also nonsense. Unless a man is too paralyzed with drink to stand up straight, he still has enough judgment to know right from wrong. Even when drunk they still make conscious decisions; they know exactly when and where to stop, they avoid causing bruises where they will show. Some men admit deciding in advance to abuse their wives, and then getting drunk, to give them the excuse – somehow they manage to control their behavior at the bar, refrain from attacking the other bar customers, and make it all the way home safely, and only then “lose control”. Substance abuse doesn’t cause domestic abuse, so sobriety can’t stop it (although it can reduce the severity of the violence).

When cornered, he will lie outright, about things he said and did -- “I never did that! You have a selective memory! You’re imagining it!” When caught red-handed, he will say “I lie because when I tell the truth you attack me” so it’s all your fault again. Or “I lied so as not to hurt you. I love you.” Also, he will try to limit what you're saying, by focusing on "this one time" and trying to paper over the other 99 times he did the same thing.

Abusers use hard-luck stories, claiming that other women had abused him; they lie about child abuse, about psychiatric problems, they blame it on job troubles but keep abusing after the job situation improves.He makes promises he doesn't keep. And incidentally, even most people with mental problems can tell right from wrong, so again, the "I'm just out of control" argument usually doesn't wash.

And of course, he will try to turn the tables on the victim. An abuser sees every disagreement as a battle he must win: he can't attack her argument without also attacking her -- he must prove that he's better than her, that she is the Master. Somehow or other, it is always her fault. What he’s really saying is… “When you complain, when you question my behavior, when you express your own opinion, when you express your own identity, you hurt my feelings, you push my buttons. It’s just nagging and bitching, whining and self-pitying, you’re being bad, you’re ungrateful, you’re not working hard enough on the relationship. You’re overreacting, dramatic, blowing it up out of nothing, argumentative, antagonistic, obsessed with the past, hard to get along with, selfish, oversensitive, negative, crazy. It’s never my fault – it’s your fault. You don't deserve to be forgiven. I only treat you like this because you deserve it. I wouldn't treat you this way if you didn't need discipline. It’s because I have no choice, you hurt me, it’s what you deserve, being nice doesn’t work, its for your own good. You should be ashamed, you should feel guilty. There’s something wrong with you. You’re abusing me, like all the other women in my life! You made me do it!” If there is any way he can accuse you of abuse, he will grab it. He will provoke fights, hoping you hit him, to justify whatever he does afterward.

The abuser will have a hundred ways to counterattack. He will put up Straw Man arguments, putting words in your mouth and making you defend things you never said in the first place – “I know what you really meant by that”. He will try to set impossible standards: either you're a perfect wife, or a bad wife -- "she drove me to it!" He will sometimes crank up the abuse even higher, to stop your complaints. Even when you back down and apologize, he will press his advantage and claim your apology is not sincere.

The argument will become more personal: sarcasm, ridicule, laughing at you, smirking, swearing, eye-rolling. Just plain meanness. He will attack outright: you’re rude, uncooperative, not kind, not nice, dress like a whore, not sensible, don’t think, ridiculous, stupid, snotty, a bitch, slut, worthless, ugly, lazy, irresponsible, dumb….with such brutality that you will actually be grateful when he’s kind again. Some of the attacks may involve her sexuality: you’re frigid, you’re a whore, you’re a lesbian, you’re a cheater. He will find a hundred ways to begin a sentence with “The trouble with you…”. Keep in mind that just because the victim isn't perfect, the abuse still isn't justified. Even if she has problems, her problems are not the cause of his problems.In fact experts have reviewed relationships and found that if the abuser is showing abusive behaviors or he has most of the control over the relationship or he is doing most of the damage to the relationship, then obviously, he is the problem, not her.

Then he will plow over your statements entirely – interrupting, yelling, ignoring, walking away. He doesn't listen because he doesn't care about her feelings or needs. Or even by saying and doing nothing: silence, glares, withholding praise, withholding affection, "forgetting" to do important things like pick up the kids.

Then, as needed, swearing, shouting, intimidation, invading personal space, waving a fist or a finger, grabbing, poking, stomping his feet, pounding on a table or a wall with his fist, blocking the door, breaking things she cares about, threats against the victim and relatives, threats to take or hurt or abandon or cut off the kids (the kids are merely pawns to him), promises that he can kill her and get away with it, warnings that no one will believe her, violence, terrorizing with weapons. And by the way, fellas, throwing your wife against a wall really is violence – don’t try the “But I didn’t hit her, Officer!” defense, even though it seems to have worked for OJ. Abuse is a spectrum disorder, and many abuser begin with the nonviolent tactics -- evasion, blaming, insults -- and then slide down the spectrum into intimidation and then violence.

And once he’s won, he lays down the law. “You shouldn’t think that way, feel that way. You have to forgive me. I’m the one who has feelings, opinions that count. I’m right and I won’t compromise.” Sometimes he will see how much Kafkaesque nonsense you will let him get away with: “Sure I have other partners, but that doesn’t mean I’m cheating on you.” Or “This hurts me more than it hurts you.”

Soon, out of exhaustion and fear, the victim has surrendered all authority to the abuser: the abuser decides which turf is his to control totally, and does exactly that, even down to the tiny everyday decisions. By issuing orders and demands, defining rules and punishments, he gets his life exactly the way he wants, and keeps the victim firmly under his thumb. The subtext is -- “In this house you own nothing, not even yourself; it is all mine and you do as I say.” He will magnanimously “allow” the victim to have control of certain portions of their lives which he doesn’t care about, but generally he believes he has the right to control her own time and space, her friends, her body and her sleep, her money.

One would think that the abuser wants his victim’s anger and other emotions to go away, but actually abusers exploit those feelings – there is nothing he can’t manipulate. One tactic of the abuser is to grind the victim down in a very even tone of voice, saying incredibly hateful things in a quiet, caustic, sarcastic way, until finally she explodes – at which point he says “Hey, you’re the one with the problem. You’re the one that’s crazy and out of control, the one with emotional problems, depression insomnia. You’re the one that needs to change.” He is trying to persuade you that “loud” and “emotional” always mean “wrong” and “crazy”. When the couple visits friends and family – or when the cops visit them on a 911 call – they see the calm husband and the hysterical wife. He will actually increase the hysteria by subjecting her not only to violence but also to wild, fake, mood swings, taking her on a wild roller-coaster ride of emotions until she is stunned, confused, emotionally exhausted.

A key effort by an abuser is to isolate the victim from outside help: prevent others from validating her feelings, pain and fear. He does this, in part, by putting on an act in public: in front of other people, he is a saint, always helping, always listening, always calm and understanding, always kind to the victim and everyone else – always the exact opposite of his behavior at home, so no one will believe it when the victim complains of his abusive behavior. The abuse may actually make this easier: “Gee, he is always so calm, she is always so angry and upset”. While all this is going on, he watches the interpersonal dynamics, how you interact with others: abusers are sensitive to the point of paranoia about the nuances in the behavior of others.

He surrounds himself and his victim with peers who approve of him; anyone who dislikes him is cut out of the herd, and he may actually threaten those who care for her, try to help her, or fill her head with all those scary ideas about his abuse. “Where do you get these ideas? Who put you up to this?” Anyone who can threaten his control of her, or support her, becomes a target. He may try to drive a wedge between her and her friends – and then point out that she’s the one who has problems with other people. Such conflict will show her vividly who her real friends are – but those are the very people he will drive off. And then he stresses that he is the only one who really loves her.

Everything she hears from everyone in her life validates his view and rejects her complaints, so she begins to have self-doubt. “Why am I the only one who sets him off? What’s wrong with me? I told everyone at the beginning how wonderful he was – if I change my story, everyone either won’t believe me, or will think I was a fool for falling for him. They will tell me I made my bed and I should lie in it.” The unending message from him is “You’re worthless, it’s a good thing I love you because who else would? You have no way out.”

Once he has her isolated from her support network, he will isolate her from the world even further. He sees the relationship as a struggle for control: one person must control the other. He will undermine her independence, interfere with her efforts to succeed in school or work, control her access to money (taking charge of the checkbook and the bills even if he’s lousy at it, and making her beg for a tiny allowance) and transportation and the phone, forcing her to sign documents without reading them. He is liable to begin sentences with "No wife on mine...". A key tool here is fake jealousy, the constant accusation of cheating: every time she talks to any male who could help her, any time she’s out of the house – “you’re fooling around!” He doesn’t actually believe it – he’s just using the accusation as a tool for control. He does all the shopping, picks out her clothes, grills her on her movements, uses spy cameras, spyware on the computer, checks her odometer, sabotages the car, calls her constantly, monitors any visitors. He might even abandon her with no car or money, just to show who's in charge. If she manages to leave, and then return, he will tighten his grip, make her more dependent, so she won't leave again.

He may even try to use his abuse as an advantage -- "look at all the obstacles we've overcome together, we have a shared history!" Actually he is the obstacle.

His ultimate aim is to transform his partner – ideally an equal partner – into a tiny satellite orbiting his ego, like a child or a slave, an object with no right to any freedom or independence, any choices, any feelings, any voice, any identity, any needs or concerns, any soul. It’s all about him: he must be The Center, at home and outside too. In this Me-centric universe, the rules for him will be very different from the rules for you. Unlike you, his needs and feelings must be addressed without delay, but yours are just whining and nagging. Unlike you, he is entitled to endless second chances. He can go off on her whether she doesn’t express love enough, or the right way, or whether she calls him, or doesn’t call him, or whether she argues, or doesn’t, or dresses provocatively, or tries to talk about problems – but he can do any of these things, or cheat, or break promises, and it’s okay. He must constantly belittle you, insult your intelligence, ridicule your concerns and feelings, to keep you in your place. He sees the victim as indebted to him, for taking care of her, giving her his version of love, the one who is really looking out for her interests – “I know what’s best for you, better than you do.” And therefore it is her duty to cater to him, tend his “castle” particularly with respect to housework. You are his property: he possesses and controls you, and he decides when the relationship is over. The longer the relationship, the deeper the sense of ownership.

The damage can be catastrophic. There is a long list of things she loses the ability to do well: deal with change, show a sense of humor, plan for the future, read people and predict their reactions, manage conflict or listen to opposing views, manage emotion, express needs and ideas and worries, be alone. His unpredictable changes constantly make her feel off-balance; she withdraws, she spends much too much time thinking about him and the relationship, or seeking affection. And if the relationship also has other problems -- addiction, mental illness etc -- they become harder and harder to solve.

If she does leave, a surprising number of abusers go straight out and find another "partner". The control of another person is like a drug to him.

A victim needs to be reminded: “you’re not imagining it, and you’re not crazy.” Experts have proved that the best indicator that all is not well in a relationship isn’t sociological analysis or psychiatric mumbo-jumbo – it is a woman’s own intuition. It’s a time-honored survival tool – use it! When that voice in your head says “Wow, I gotta get out of here!” – go with that!

A superb book on this topic is “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.

What the abuser does when she tries to leave

2011-11-15T19:53:00.005-05:00

When a woman makes clear that she intends to leave, this is easily the most dangerous time for her. More than half the domestic-violence fatalities happen when she’s leaving, or after she’s left.

But there are other things he may do as well, other than going totally postal. Surprisingly, studies have shown that when a woman leaves, and/or goes all the way and presses charges, it is begging, not threats of violence, that most often persuade the victim to drop the charges. The abuser will make heartrending emotional appeals, just as he does after a particularly brutal assault; he will beg for forgiveness, claim he can’t live without her, that she’s the only one who really loves him, and so forth. This stuff gets abusers out of legal hot water on a daily basis.

He may also, of course, indulge in threats. He promises to give damaging information about her to the courts, the police, the IRS, the INS, CPS, the media, creditors, trash her credit rating – pictures, tapes, whatever he can throw at her. He may also try to get at her through the kids, particularly if they are witnesses: “If you tell anyone about this, I will stop giving your mother her child support and you will be homeless and starving; no one will talk to you, no one will understand, it will kill your mom, I will attack you….” He threatens to kill her, he threatens to kill himself...

If neither the carrot not the stick is working, there are also the control tactics. He will try to make the victim dependent on him, guarding and monitoring the money, the keys, the phone, the computer, her movements, her calls, her visits, harassing her at work, putting a chalk mark on her tires, watching her odometer, disabling the car, nailing the windows shut, using cameras and spyware, driving away anyone who tries to help her.

Also -- hiring investigators to hunt her down by using publicly-available information or using fake scenarios to con people into revealing private information. Also, paying data brokers who regularly collect personal data from public records; even if you ask, the brokers may refuse to delete your data, or continue collecting it after a deletion – all the more reason to clean your data out, as best you can, from the phone book, public records, tax records, property papers, the DMV, courts, complaining to the FTC or the state Attorney General if need be. This is critical for hiding your name, home address, DOB, SS numbers and account numbers.

But the top issue of course, is the threat of violence.

Facts about abuse

2011-11-15T19:52:00.003-05:00

A quarter of U.S. women have been physically abused by a husband or boyfriend.
Battering is the leading cause of women's injuries.
One fifth of violent crimes against women are instigated by a husband or boyfriend; domestic violence causes 20 percent of all murders, and 1000 to 2000 women are killed each year.
Every year 1 to 4 million women need medical or police help due to domestic violence, and more than a thousand of them die.
A third of the women who arrive in ER’s were injured by a domestic partner – it’s the leading cause for women’s injuries -- and about a third of the women killed are killed by a partner.
A quarter of the victims are pregnant when beaten, and abused women are at greater risk for miscarriage and premature birth – abuse is a leading cause of birth defects.
Battering victims are overwhelmingly female.

Half of abusers also abuse the children; a third of violent juveniles saw violence at home.
About two thirds of boys arrested for murder from ages 11 to 20 killed the man who beat their mothers.
A third of college and high schoolers experience violence when dating.
About 200,000 mothers and children are homeless due to domestic violence; that’s somewhere between a quarter and a half of all homeless moms.

Some women have no choice but to go back to their abusers.
So domestic violence is a leading cause of birth defects, and homicide, and homeless mothers.
Despite all this, some states have more animal shelters, than shelters for battered women.
The emotional abuse can do even more damage than the physical abuse.

And solving this is YOUR job, no matter who you are – because domestic violence is a crime.

There are groups out there who are essentially apologists for abusers, and/or their lawyers, arguing that women hit men as much as the other way around, that the system is unfair to men, etc etc. And it's invariably hogwash. And an important thing to remember is that it is not impossible for a woman to hit a man, it is extremely rare -- essentially unheard-of -- for a woman to do what abusers do, namely to put her partner in daily fear for her safety and then use that fear to control her. That pattern is a male pattern, not a female pattern.