One thing abusers do, is isolate their victims from any support – family, friends, professionals who could help them. So he has a big support system, and the victim doesn’t. The person with the bigger support team wins. So if a victim can’t get rid of his support system, at least she can build her own. Tackling problems like this is incredibly difficult, and it’s the women who reach out for help who survive and succeed. So…who can help you?
First, family. Some family members, especially in-laws, may side with the abuser, because these guys are very slick, persuasive con artists. But some of them must want to help you – time and again when I hear abuse stories, I wonder where the victim’s father is, because I would never allow a daughter of mine to be abused, not even once. Women who have big extended families should, in theory, have more places to go and more people to reach out to – and sometimes, more witnesses who can back her up.
So…who else can help? Who can you talk to safely, stay with, invite to stay with you for a couple of days, borrow money from? Who can help you plan and carry out your plan, perk you up when you’re weakening or feeling down? Co-workers? Does your workplace have a good HR unit?
Neighbors: Tell your neighbors (and friends too) about the abuse, and tell them that you and the abuser no longer live together (if that’s the case), and ask them to call the police if he shows up, or if they hear signs of a fight, or see a pre-arranged emergency signal (a code-word involving a non-existent person, a tilted lampshade, a half-opened curtain). Try not to use next-door neighbors or immediate relatives as places to run to – it’s too obvious.
If you have a protective order, there will some people you want to give copies to, in case he shows up somewhere to cause trouble: your boss, you kids’ teachers, etc.
Think like a spy, and only trust people with information that they really need to know. Only a few people need to know your new address and phone number. Keep in mind that some people whom you think of as your friends, may think of themselves as his friend -- they may betray your trust and your secrets because they think he’s right and you’re wrong, or they may tell him things they shouldn’t, just because they’re hoping to get you two back together, or because they just don’t think about what they’re blurting out.
The key place to go for help is the local/county/state domestic violence center, women’s center, crisis center, or whatever they call it (sometimes the battered women’s shelter and the rape center are in the same facility). The centers themselves will offer a wide range of services, and they can also hook you up with others who can provide more help. A lot of women in trouble can't find their way out, simply because they don't know these groups are out there ready to help. Assistance they might provide includes drafting a safety plan, finding a shelter or a lawyer, help with housing and welfare and other resources, services for the kids, counseling for abusers and couples, intervention groups, seminars on topics such as child care and budgeting, and so forth. Another good idea is counseling for victims singly or in groups, a great place to build a support network and hear the stories of other women who have been down the same road -- "hey, your story is a dead ringer for my story!". They can also steer you to the right doctor, the right therapist (a great idea), help with housing, transport to court, etc. If you’re thinking of moving to a new area, call ahead to the domestic-violence center at your destination and hook up with them – you may need their help later.
Safehouses are a huge help: a survivor can get away, get her head together, network with other survivors, and make good connections: survivors who can get out and stay out of their abusive environments for at least a week are more likely to succeed in staying away from the abuser – some women go back and forth from their old home to a second location a dozen times, until they finally persuade themselves that the abuse really isn’t going to stop, despite all his promises. Sending a woman to a shelter is better than simply sticking her in a motel room -- there's no support at the motel. Shelters are, however, resistant to taking in drug users or detoxers.
In addition to the shelter, you may also be reaching out to the police, a lawyer, a doctor or two. Do you know how to contact all these people? Keep that phone list in a secret email account that the abuser doesn’t know about. Also, joining a church may allow you to hook into their support system as well.
If you think someone you know is being abused, the two things you can do which will help the most, is to listen, and resist the urge to pass judgment on her actions or try to take over as “boss” of the operation. Every woman is different, every abusive home is different, and the survivor herself probably knows best how to safely get out of the jam she’s in. So you don’t judge her or blame her, and you don’t impose conditions – “Do it my way or I won’t help”. You can’t build up her strength by treating her like an errant child. Help her to see all the choices and places to go for help, and once she makes her choice, be there to help her achieve it. Wait until she's ready to act, and be ready to help her. And you have to validate what she is saying and feeling: if you try to push her back home to "work it all out" with a "you made your bed" attitude, then you may be of no further help to her because she will stop confiding in you.
Listening and validating will make her whole day, and the mere act of letting her talk things through will help her to organize her thoughts, remember incidents she forgot, recall the sound of her own voice, and recognize that although she may not want to see herself as a victim, she really is a victim, and this really is abuse. Ask the survivor about what is going on, what she feels, the relationship, the conflicts, the abuse, the fear, the control, the coping mechanisms she’s been using, without asking why or passing judgment. Tell her you’re concerned and that you’re supporting her; tell her that she's not crazy and she not imagining it all. Tell her that she can be strong, especially with allies, and that if she's strong enough to endure what she's faced already, she's strong enough to get out and survive -- she can take care of herself in the future, because she's already doing that now, without his help. Think about what she has said and try to ascertain the abuser’s capacity for hurting her or the kids. Help her to heal, to be strong, to mourn the death of her old life and build the new one. And keep her secrets.
One thing to help her with is the emotional roller-coaster. In a very short time she may ride a whirlwind of emotions not unlike the phases which terminal patients go through: fear, then, hate, loneliness, hope, joy. During that vulnerable "lonely" phase she will feel like a moon that no longer has a planet to orbit around -- help her to see how much better her life will be, without the "planet".
Things you might ask her:
--Whether she needs a doctor: any immediate danger, injuries, rape, pregnancy or recent birth (and potential risk of self-harm).
--Whether she’s safe: where he is, whether he’s armed, where the kids are and whether they’re at risk, whether there’s a protective order. Look for the signals denoting serious trouble: current or recent separation, reports of assault and rape (and go to the police).
--Whether she wants help: a place to go, a support network, agencies that can help, witnesses and evidence she can take to court.
--Whether she wants to give details of the history of the attacks on her.
A survivor will need the help of others, to be safe. Her support group posse can help by finding safe ways she can communicate with others (don’t leave unsafe messages and be careful of Caller ID), set up danger signals with the neighbors, get the word out to her boss/babysitter/school, field phone calls, help setting up the safety plan, pack and store her belongings, find temporary housing or just a couch to crash on, get her and the kids to a safe place, find quick cash, load up the kids with a good meal, find new people to help, hook up with a lawyer or a car to borrow, help crisis centers get them to a safehouse or a doctor or lawyer, help with the school and daycare, help her navigate the legal maze and welfare agencies, go to court with her.
Survivors are likely to need to learn new skills. Almost half of households which are headed by women and which include kids are in poverty. Survivors may need to sit down and learn Word and Excel, and find someone willing to hire and train them. They may need to learn, or remember, the art of going on an interview: get a nice suit, go conservative with the hair and makeup and jewelry, be on time with a pen and paper, turn off the phone, don't eat or drink, and thank the interviewer at the end. One thing survivors struggle with, is managing conflict: how to navigate disagreements without descending into the kind of destructive nonsense she experienced in the abusive relationship. Money management may be a problem, if a survivor was with an abuser who ran all the finances himself -- she may need to learn how to make a budget, stick to it, and prioritize what she needs over what she wants. Working with creditors is a skill too.
Housing can be a pain in the neck. You can search for homes in the newspaper, the Yellow Pages, penny-savers, at church, the library, the women's center. Look for something near transportation, schools, your work place, shopping. If you are rooming with someone, figure out the money, the kids and the chores early on. If you're going for Section Eight housing, there may be a wait as you qualify, and then find a landlord who accepts Section Eight cases, and then get an inspection.
Abusers will resist a woman’s effort to build a support network, driving away potential allies. Sometimes the survivor herself drives potential allies away for fear that the abuser will retaliate against them or her.
If you’re a survivor who has successfully moved on to a new life, help all the women who are climbing up the ladder behind you. Volunteer at the local women’s center and help out the next wave of survivors. A lot of state and local DV centers are taking budget hits due to the recession, and in a couple of places like Arizona, rightwing zealots are actually trying to shut down DV centers on the flawed reasoning that some centers might be advising women to get abortions. So they need all the help they can get – donate your time, money, clothes, toys, Christmas presents, stuff for their safehouses, whatever they say they need. Just ask them.
Two things about dating: it is a myth that abuse victims go out and seek new abusers, but it is true that the survivor herself can unconsciously attract abusive people toward her: they prey on the vulnerable. Also, starting a new dating relationship is likely to cause the old partner, the abuser, to go off like a bomb -- be aware.
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