The next battle

Since the passage of the Violence Against Women Act in 1994, we haven’t made a dent in the rates of domestic violence. Women are still beaten 10,000 times a day, women don’t report it, states don’t prosecute it, and even upon conviction, serious jail time is unheard of. Each year a million men get away with beating their wives.

So we need to get the message to all men out there, the million men who beat their wives, and the millions of others who know about it, and don’t do anything about it. Fellas, you don’t get to beat your wives anymore, and you don’t get to just stand there and do nothing if you know someone else is doing it. It’s just like beer: you don’t get to drink and drive anymore, and you don’t get to let your friends do it either. Or beat their wives.

An aggravating factor is that DV groups are usually run by women who are often deeply suspicious of men, and when men offer to help, they are regularly shooed away. Which may be emotionally satisfying, but it’s strategically suicidal. A female family-court judge once said flat-out that the problem with DV groups is that a lot of them are run by hard-core feminists who would rather bash men than ask them for help. You ladies don’t get to hijack the domestic violence issue for yourselves: you need to let men help, and recruit them, for that matter.

I repeat: This battle cannot be won UNTIL men are involved: until we do the same thing we did with drunk driving, with men telling other men -- you don't get to hit your wife, and you don't get to just stand there while someone you know hits HIS wife. If you make this a battle between the 99 percent of people who are morally good and can be made to understand how serious DV is, and the 1 percent who will just never get it, then the good guys win. But if you make it about men versus women, women will never win the war. They won't even be able to treat the wounded.

There is no such thing as an innocent bystander here. Domestic violence is a crime that is happening all around you, and if you know about this crime, and do nothing to stop or report this crime, then you are culpable along with the batterers. This is everybody’s business: turning a blind eye makes you guilty along with the abuser. If you're aware of it, it's your job to help stop it, and offer help. The goal is a country in which all women -- everyone, in fact -- are treated with respect.

Never condone. Never excuse. Never remain silent.