What the abuser does when she tries to leave

When a woman makes clear that she intends to leave, this is easily the most dangerous time for her. More than half the domestic-violence fatalities happen when she’s leaving, or after she’s left.

But there are other things he may do as well, other than going totally postal. Surprisingly, studies have shown that when a woman leaves, and/or goes all the way and presses charges, it is begging, not threats of violence, that most often persuade the victim to drop the charges. The abuser will make heartrending emotional appeals, just as he does after a particularly brutal assault; he will beg for forgiveness, claim he can’t live without her, that she’s the only one who really loves him, and so forth. This stuff gets abusers out of legal hot water on a daily basis.

He may also, of course, indulge in threats. He promises to give damaging information about her to the courts, the police, the IRS, the INS, CPS, the media, creditors, trash her credit rating – pictures, tapes, whatever he can throw at her. He may also try to get at her through the kids, particularly if they are witnesses: “If you tell anyone about this, I will stop giving your mother her child support and you will be homeless and starving; no one will talk to you, no one will understand, it will kill your mom, I will attack you….” He threatens to kill her, he threatens to kill himself...

If neither the carrot not the stick is working, there are also the control tactics. He will try to make the victim dependent on him, guarding and monitoring the money, the keys, the phone, the computer, her movements, her calls, her visits, harassing her at work, putting a chalk mark on her tires, watching her odometer, disabling the car, nailing the windows shut, using cameras and spyware, driving away anyone who tries to help her.

Also -- hiring investigators to hunt her down by using publicly-available information or using fake scenarios to con people into revealing private information. Also, paying data brokers who regularly collect personal data from public records; even if you ask, the brokers may refuse to delete your data, or continue collecting it after a deletion – all the more reason to clean your data out, as best you can, from the phone book, public records, tax records, property papers, the DMV, courts, complaining to the FTC or the state Attorney General if need be. This is critical for hiding your name, home address, DOB, SS numbers and account numbers.

But the top issue of course, is the threat of violence.