Surviving a violent incident

If everything goes out of control, try to defuse the situation. Figure out what triggers the violence; plan for what you will do if he becomes violent, or if he finds out about part of your escape plan. In a pinch, give him what he wants, tell him what he wants to hear, but don’t believe any promises.

Try to decrease the odds on getting hurt. Get weapons out of the house (hide them or lock them up); don’t wear necklaces which he can use to choke you; avoid the kitchen or garage, and avoid places with no easy escape (bathroom). Figure out which windows you can escape from, and which doors you can lock behind you. Don’t go near the kids if things get out of control. Lock yourself in a room with a phone if possible; call 911 and get the dispatcher's name. Take a self-defense course. As a last resort, curl up in a corner with your arms on either side of your head, fingers intertwined.

Make it easier to get out. Plan and practice an escape route with the kids: windows, elevator, stairs, fire escapes. Pick two destinations -- public places, shelter, hospitals, stores, restaurants, friend’s homes, anything that is open 24/7, or has a pay phone. Keep your purse and keys handy; have extra keys in a magnetic box under your car bumper, and make duplicates of all essentials in your purse and stash them somewhere.

Get help. Set up a danger code involving a reference to a non-existent person (“Aunt Shirley called today” etc) so that children, friends, neighbors or co-workers can sound the alarm. If you can manage to call 911, get the names and badge numbers of dispatchers, responding officers, doctors and nurses, and make sure to tell them everything that happened, and have them document and photograph everything. This is essential for taking all this to court.

Find out whether the local police station is 24/7 – don’t run there if it’s closed!


Now, I am going to add something controversial here. Generally, domestic violence victims should never try to fight with their abusers – it’s safer to just get out (if possible) and it looks better in court if you’ve never hit him. However, there may be isolated instances in which you know that (a) you really need to get out now, and (b) the only way out is to defend yourself, and (c) you don’t think that curling up on the floor while he attacks you is going to solve the problem. In that last extremity, if you must fight him off, then absolutely fight dirty.

--If you try to hit him, hit for hit, you lose, because he’s bigger. So add everything: scratching, spitting, pulling hair, biting. Fighting back will probably be a surprise – the one thing all bullies hate.
--Go for the sensitive spots. You have the Big Four, the SING pattern – Solar plexus (the belly just under the ribs), the Instep (the side of the foot, easy to stomp on), the Nose (it bleeds like crazy), and the Groin (no explanation needed). S-I-N-G. Also the eyes, the throat, ears, hair.
--Anything sharp or hard can be a weapon. Go for sharp rather than hard – it’s easier and more effective for a woman to cut him than bruise him badly.
--If you manage to hit him once and immobilize him, nail him again and again so he doesn’t recover quickly. If he can target vulnerability, so can you.
--Use your arms to block his blows, like Mister Miyagi taught you. His main advantage his hitting from the upper body, and if you can block that, you take away a big advantage.
--Scream. The one thing that terrifies an abuser is an audience.
--In the last extremity, if he is holding a gun and you feel you have no other choice, then either grab his gun arm and shove it away while you hit him elsewhere or shove him down. Or, grab the gun itself and twist hard – you might actually snap off his trigger finger.
--Do these things only until you’ve gotten an opportunity to run, and then run. Because escaping is the point of the whole thing.
--Just remember that all the damage you do to him, he’s going to complain to the police about.

I mention these strategies only because they did a study of other man-on-woman violence, mostly involving rape and robbery, and they found that if a woman felt that fighting was her only choice, then fighting back did NOT significantly increase the risk of serious injury, whereas being passive, pleading and freezing up didn’t work. So you only do this stuff only if you think it’s your only choice. Again, the smart thing to do is use your intuition and get the hell out before things get this bad.