Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Is someone you know in lethal danger?

Here are signs of serious physical danger – make safety plans quickly:

--Woman’s intuition – the best indicator of coming violence.
--The abuser is a terrorist: the guy who makes it clear that he can hurt her anytime, and that he will if she doesn’t “shape up”, openly discussing death and murder fantasies; this guy was probably abused as a child, and wants her to be afraid, he will stalk forever and fight for custody; the victim needs a safety plan immediately
--An abuser with a drill-sergeant personality who controls her every move; there were previous efforts by the victim to end it, he’s jealous, possessive, obsessive, tracking and controlling her movements and routines (even her clothes), blocking her from independence (friends, family, money, car, phone)
--A combination of physical and sexual abuse– serious danger of lethal force; any violence is a warning sign, because “just a shove” can become “just a concussion” and one punch is rarely the last, once he crosses that line.
--Escalating anger and accusations from him: “you’re not listening, shut up, you’re making me mad, it’s all your fault”
--Intimidation: he forces sex, grabs, pushes, pokes, traps you, locks you in, throws or breaks things, tears clothes, threatens or frightens you, stomps, shouts and swears, gets in your face and wags a fist or finger, drives very fast; anger and insults. When he does these things, he is testing to see what you will put up with: if you don’t resist them, the violence is next. This is why I believe that emotional abuse is a gateway drug, leading ultimately to physical abuse.
--A man who claims his ex falsely accused him of abuse (the accusation is almost always true); a man who claims his ex beat him is almost always a batterer
--The guy who is going down in flames: the depressed abuser, suicidal, doesn’t care what happens to him, few friends, “I can’t live without you”
--Sociopathy: unpredictable temper, escalating and severe violence, violence against third parties, pet abuse, violence during pregnancy, weapons, criminal record, trouble with authority, fights, cheating the victim of her money, substance abuse, infidelity, porn; a history of child abuse does not make attacks more likely but the attacks will probably be more brutal
--Signs of fear and loathing from her: “I’m afraid to leave him, I’m tied down, I have to check in, I can’t even raise these issues, I cry, I’m depressed, I need to try harder to please him, I’m worthless”

Here are specific triggers for potential violence:
--When a partner tries to leave, or expresses that intent. Abuse is all about control, and any attempt by the victim to escape the control of the abuser is an extremely dangerous time, particularly if she’s tried to leave before. More than one study has indicated that a majority of DV fatalities happen after the victim has decided to leave at least once and when police pull up to a house and find a fatality, often it’s a house they’ve been to before.
--When the abuser is served with court papers, especially a protective order – another trigger for violence.
--If someone threatens to kill you, he means it. Don't underplay or dismiss the threat. Take it seriously and get help.

Here are the questions to ask, if there’s a concern about the use of lethal force. If the answer is “yes” to more than a couple of these questions – or any of the first three – then the danger of death increases.

--Has the abuser used a weapon or threatened you with a weapon?
--Has he threatened to kill you or the kids?
--Do you think he might try to kill you?
--Does he have a gun, or access to one?
--Has he threatened you?
--Has he tried to choke you?
--Has he attempted suicide?
--Is he jealous?
--Is he controlling?
--Does he monitor your actions?
--Have you tried to leave him before?
--Is he unemployed?
--Does your home include a child that is yours but not his?

…and I would add another one: have the cops come to the house before, because of domestic violence? Most DV fatalities do indeed occur in homes the police has visited before.

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