The abuser gets “Profiled”

So what does an abuser look like?


The traditional image of a wife-beater – the guy hanging out the front door of a trailer in a tank top with more tattoos than teeth – doesn’t really hold water. These guys are smart, and they are actors, spending months sweet-talking his victim and her family into believing that he is just Too Good To Be True – which is exactly what he is. In the meantime he has his abuser’s toolkit, a thousand ways to evade, lie, excuse, attack, control, isolate, madden, crush. Everything but…change himself.

One thing to look for in actual or potential abusers is their family history. Many were abused as children; look for emotional deprivation, incest and really toxic relationships with their mothers – sometimes a visit from Mom can trigger domestic abuse all by itself. Watch also for some unusual relationships with women: “my ex was a saint compared to you, my ex was a whore, my ex beat me….”

Look for people with self-esteem issues, traditional or religious views on family, persuasive “actors”, people who are jealous, people who blame others for their failings, people who can’t control themselves but want to control others, people with guns, people who attack and threaten others, people with mental problems and potential for suicide, addictions, unemployment, housing problems, money problems (a major red flag), OCD, stalking, previous protective orders, criminal records, gambling, abusing their own children and committing incest. And lots of secrets.

Look out for the guy who sees himself as a Real Man, never afraid, never backing down, seeing women as weak or as sex objects, always demanding the best, trying to be the boss and impose discipline, lots of drinking and womanizing. 

The sweet-talking phase of the romance is critical. For the first few months, particularly in public, the abuser will often put on an act, acting like a saint while occasionally embarrassing or putting down his partner and her accomplishments in front of others – she’s arm candy. He has the same charm that many psychopaths do. During this phase he is also pushing hard for a commitment from her, increasing his control. This period can last as long as two years.

Abusers are masters of manipulation. The abuser knows full well that his behavior is abusive and unacceptable, so he has a hundred ways to evade anyone who questions his actions. To him, an argument with his partner is a war, and he must use any means necessary to beat you down so that you never challenge him again. He will hide behind mystery, behind layers, behind psychobabble, rationalization, doing anything to throw everyone off track. He likes confusion and camouflage, and exudes unpredictibility: he mixes brutality with loving "intermittent reinforcement" to give his victim hope, because if she believes things will never be good, she is more likely to leave. He will steer the conversation away from the topics he fears -- he will say “now isn’t the time to get into that” -- and toward the topics he likes – invariably, the shortcomings of the victim.

Abusers have a wide range of excuses to justify their behavior. One which pops up often is “I was angry so I lost control”. This is hogwash. With everyone else, he has control of himself, and communication skills, social skills, conflict-resolutions tools, a conscience: he just chooses not to use these tools at home. And you may notice that he is very careful in the way he loses control, if you can believe it -- he will stomp around the house smashing things, but neatly enough it is never something he cares about. He isn’t “losing it”, he’s giving himself permission to lose it; he isn’t losing control of himself, he’s asserting control over his victim through terror. He doesn’t have a problem with his anger, he has a problem with your anger. Sometimes abusers consciously set up their wives to stumble into a conflict so they can “lose control” and start hitting.


And of course “I was drunk so I was out of control”. This is also nonsense. Unless a man is too paralyzed with drink to stand up straight, he still has enough judgment to know right from wrong. Even when drunk they still make conscious decisions; they know exactly when and where to stop, they avoid causing bruises where they will show. Some men admit deciding in advance to abuse their wives, and then getting drunk, to give them the excuse – somehow they manage to control their behavior at the bar, refrain from attacking the other bar customers, and make it all the way home safely, and only then “lose control”. Substance abuse doesn’t cause domestic abuse, so sobriety can’t stop it (although it can reduce the severity of the violence).

When cornered, he will lie outright, about things he said and did -- “I never did that! You have a selective memory! You’re imagining it!” When caught red-handed, he will say “I lie because when I tell the truth you attack me” so it’s all your fault again. Or “I lied so as not to hurt you. I love you.” Also, he will try to limit what you're saying, by focusing on "this one time" and trying to paper over the other 99 times he did the same thing.

Abusers use hard-luck stories, claiming that other women had abused him; they lie about child abuse, about psychiatric problems, they blame it on job troubles but keep abusing after the job situation improves.He makes promises he doesn't keep. And incidentally, even most people with mental problems can tell right from wrong, so again, the "I'm just out of control" argument usually doesn't wash.

And of course, he will try to turn the tables on the victim. An abuser sees every disagreement as a battle he must win: he can't attack her argument without also attacking her -- he must prove that he's better than her, that she is the Master. Somehow or other, it is always her fault. What he’s really saying is… “When you complain, when you question my behavior, when you express your own opinion, when you express your own identity, you hurt my feelings, you push my buttons. It’s just nagging and bitching, whining and self-pitying, you’re being bad, you’re ungrateful, you’re not working hard enough on the relationship. You’re overreacting, dramatic, blowing it up out of nothing, argumentative, antagonistic, obsessed with the past, hard to get along with, selfish, oversensitive, negative, crazy. It’s never my fault – it’s your fault. You don't deserve to be forgiven. I only treat you like this because you deserve it. I wouldn't treat you this way if you didn't need discipline. It’s because I have no choice, you hurt me, it’s what you deserve, being nice doesn’t work, its for your own good. You should be ashamed, you should feel guilty. There’s something wrong with you. You’re abusing me, like all the other women in my life! You made me do it!” If there is any way he can accuse you of abuse, he will grab it. He will provoke fights, hoping you hit him, to justify whatever he does afterward.

The abuser will have a hundred ways to counterattack. He will put up Straw Man arguments, putting words in your mouth and making you defend things you never said in the first place – “I know what you really meant by that”. He will try to set impossible standards: either you're a perfect wife, or a bad wife -- "she drove me to it!" He will sometimes crank up the abuse even higher, to stop your complaints. Even when you back down and apologize, he will press his advantage and claim your apology is not sincere.

The argument will become more personal: sarcasm, ridicule, laughing at you, smirking, swearing, eye-rolling. Just plain meanness. He will attack outright: you’re rude, uncooperative, not kind, not nice, dress like a whore, not sensible, don’t think, ridiculous, stupid, snotty, a bitch, slut, worthless, ugly, lazy, irresponsible, dumb….with such brutality that you will actually be grateful when he’s kind again. Some of the attacks may involve her sexuality: you’re frigid, you’re a whore, you’re a lesbian, you’re a cheater. He will find a hundred ways to begin a sentence with “The trouble with you…”. Keep in mind that just because the victim isn't perfect, the abuse still isn't justified. Even if she has problems, her problems are not the cause of his problems.In fact experts have reviewed relationships and found that if the abuser is showing abusive behaviors or he has most of the control over the relationship or he is doing most of the damage to the relationship, then obviously, he is the problem, not her.

Then he will plow over your statements entirely – interrupting, yelling, ignoring, walking away. He doesn't listen because he doesn't care about her feelings or needs. Or even by saying and doing nothing: silence, glares, withholding praise, withholding affection, "forgetting" to do important things like pick up the kids.

Then, as needed, swearing, shouting, intimidation, invading personal space, waving a fist or a finger, grabbing, poking, stomping his feet, pounding on a table or a wall with his fist, blocking the door, breaking things she cares about, threats against the victim and relatives, threats to take or hurt or abandon or cut off the kids (the kids are merely pawns to him), promises that he can kill her and get away with it, warnings that no one will believe her, violence, terrorizing with weapons. And by the way, fellas, throwing your wife against a wall really is violence – don’t try the “But I didn’t hit her, Officer!” defense, even though it seems to have worked for OJ. Abuse is a spectrum disorder, and many abuser begin with the nonviolent tactics -- evasion, blaming, insults -- and then slide down the spectrum into intimidation and then violence.

And once he’s won, he lays down the law. “You shouldn’t think that way, feel that way. You have to forgive me. I’m the one who has feelings, opinions that count. I’m right and I won’t compromise.” Sometimes he will see how much Kafkaesque nonsense you will let him get away with: “Sure I have other partners, but that doesn’t mean I’m cheating on you.” Or “This hurts me more than it hurts you.”

Soon, out of exhaustion and fear, the victim has surrendered all authority to the abuser: the abuser decides which turf is his to control totally, and does exactly that, even down to the tiny everyday decisions. By issuing orders and demands, defining rules and punishments, he gets his life exactly the way he wants, and keeps the victim firmly under his thumb. The subtext is -- “In this house you own nothing, not even yourself; it is all mine and you do as I say.” He will magnanimously “allow” the victim to have control of certain portions of their lives which he doesn’t care about, but generally he believes he has the right to control her own time and space, her friends, her body and her sleep, her money.

One would think that the abuser wants his victim’s anger and other emotions to go away, but actually abusers exploit those feelings – there is nothing he can’t manipulate. One tactic of the abuser is to grind the victim down in a very even tone of voice, saying incredibly hateful things in a quiet, caustic, sarcastic way, until finally she explodes – at which point he says “Hey, you’re the one with the problem. You’re the one that’s crazy and out of control, the one with emotional problems, depression insomnia. You’re the one that needs to change.” He is trying to persuade you that “loud” and “emotional” always mean “wrong” and “crazy”. When the couple visits friends and family – or when the cops visit them on a 911 call – they see the calm husband and the hysterical wife. He will actually increase the hysteria by subjecting her not only to violence but also to wild, fake, mood swings, taking her on a wild roller-coaster ride of emotions until she is stunned, confused, emotionally exhausted.

A key effort by an abuser is to isolate the victim from outside help: prevent others from validating her feelings, pain and fear. He does this, in part, by putting on an act in public: in front of other people, he is a saint, always helping, always listening, always calm and understanding, always kind to the victim and everyone else – always the exact opposite of his behavior at home, so no one will believe it when the victim complains of his abusive behavior. The abuse may actually make this easier: “Gee, he is always so calm, she is always so angry and upset”. While all this is going on, he watches the interpersonal dynamics, how you interact with others: abusers are sensitive to the point of paranoia about the nuances in the behavior of others.

He surrounds himself and his victim with peers who approve of him; anyone who dislikes him is cut out of the herd, and he may actually threaten those who care for her, try to help her, or fill her head with all those scary ideas about his abuse. “Where do you get these ideas? Who put you up to this?” Anyone who can threaten his control of her, or support her, becomes a target. He may try to drive a wedge between her and her friends – and then point out that she’s the one who has problems with other people. Such conflict will show her vividly who her real friends are – but those are the very people he will drive off. And then he stresses that he is the only one who really loves her.

Everything she hears from everyone in her life validates his view and rejects her complaints, so she begins to have self-doubt. “Why am I the only one who sets him off? What’s wrong with me? I told everyone at the beginning how wonderful he was – if I change my story, everyone either won’t believe me, or will think I was a fool for falling for him. They will tell me I made my bed and I should lie in it.” The unending message from him is “You’re worthless, it’s a good thing I love you because who else would? You have no way out.”

Once he has her isolated from her support network, he will isolate her from the world even further. He sees the relationship as a struggle for control: one person must control the other. He will undermine her independence, interfere with her efforts to succeed in school or work, control her access to money (taking charge of the checkbook and the bills even if he’s lousy at it, and making her beg for a tiny allowance) and transportation and the phone, forcing her to sign documents without reading them. He is liable to begin sentences with "No wife on mine...". A key tool here is fake jealousy, the constant accusation of cheating: every time she talks to any male who could help her, any time she’s out of the house – “you’re fooling around!” He doesn’t actually believe it – he’s just using the accusation as a tool for control. He does all the shopping, picks out her clothes, grills her on her movements, uses spy cameras, spyware on the computer, checks her odometer, sabotages the car, calls her constantly, monitors any visitors. He might even abandon her with no car or money, just to show who's in charge. If she manages to leave, and then return, he will tighten his grip, make her more dependent, so she won't leave again.

He may even try to use his abuse as an advantage -- "look at all the obstacles we've overcome together, we have a shared history!" Actually he is the obstacle. 

His ultimate aim is to transform his partner – ideally an equal partner – into a tiny satellite orbiting his ego, like a child or a slave, an object with no right to any freedom or independence, any choices, any feelings, any voice, any identity, any needs or concerns, any soul. It’s all about him: he must be The Center, at home and outside too. In this Me-centric universe, the rules for him will be very different from the rules for you. Unlike you, his needs and feelings must be addressed without delay, but yours are just whining and nagging. Unlike you, he is entitled to endless second chances. He can go off on her whether she doesn’t express love enough, or the right way, or whether she calls him, or doesn’t call him, or whether she argues, or doesn’t, or dresses provocatively, or tries to talk about problems – but he can do any of these things, or cheat, or break promises, and it’s okay. He must constantly belittle you, insult your intelligence, ridicule your concerns and feelings, to keep you in your place. He sees the victim as indebted to him, for taking care of her, giving her his version of love, the one who is really looking out for her interests – “I know what’s best for you, better than you do.” And therefore it is her duty to cater to him, tend his “castle” particularly with respect to housework. You are his property: he possesses and controls you, and he decides when the relationship is over. The longer the relationship, the deeper the sense of ownership.

The damage can be catastrophic. There is a long list of things she loses the ability to do well: deal with change, show a sense of humor, plan for the future, read people and predict their reactions, manage conflict or listen to opposing views, manage emotion,  express needs and ideas and worries, be alone. His unpredictable changes constantly make her feel off-balance; she withdraws, she spends much too much time thinking about him and the relationship, or seeking affection. And if the relationship also has other problems -- addiction, mental illness etc -- they become harder and harder to solve.



If she does leave, a surprising number of abusers go straight out and find another "partner". The control of another person is like a drug to him.

A victim needs to be reminded: “you’re not imagining it, and you’re not crazy.” Experts have proved that the best indicator that all is not well in a relationship isn’t sociological analysis or psychiatric mumbo-jumbo – it is a woman’s own intuition. It’s a time-honored survival tool – use it! When that voice in your head says “Wow, I gotta get out of here!” – go with that!

A superb book on this topic is “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.